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I am a huge Pokéfag. Been a fan of the series since the late 1990s. That said, I’m not blind to quality regarding these games. Some were good (Gen I/II), some fantastic (Gen III), some mediocre (Gen IV) and some can just go fuck themselves with the unpleasant end of a rake (TCG, Gen V). In this wonderful work of literary art, I will talk about some things that the franchise has been missing.

Character Creation And Customization

Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mind playing as Red or Gold in their respective generations, but I can guarantee that I’d sooner shoot myself in the cock than play as these dumb looking motherfuckers:

Simply a fashion disaster.

So, what, I have a choice between the boy of questionable sexuality in leg warmers with hair to spare, or pastel Princess Leia in a tutu? Face it, GameFreak, you have the fashion sense of a homeless person who recently shoplifted from TJMaxx. Let the player decide what outfit to wear. Add clothing stores and barbershops to the games. Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver demonstrated that alternative clothing is not only possible, but is already in the game’s code. Just surrender control of how the player looks to the player. Not that hard, really.

A Less Linear Story

I want a storyline that branches. I want to be able to choose actions that will determine the end outcome in a significant way. As shitty as Shadow the Hedgehog was, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to use its story progression tree as an example. Every action you make changes how the rest of the story unfolds. I’m not saying we need 835 different ways to play the game, but it certainly couldn’t hurt. Wouldn’t mind the option of being the bad guy either. Joining Team Rocket and then turning around and betraying them after climbing the ranks sounds like it could be fun. I’m just sick and tired of having to be the vigilante who has to battle a villainous team because they don’t treat Pokémon with love or whatever. It’s getting pretty tired.

Expand Cities/Locales

Olivine City has a lighthouse. Fantastic. You will go to that lighthouse exactly one time in your entire playthrough. Same goes for Vermillion City and the S.S. Aqua, Celadon and Silph Co., More or less all of the beginning towns in Gen III, et al. All of these locales are wasted on one-time use gimmicks relevant to either the theme of the town and/or the part of the quest that takes place there. After that, you’ll probably never go there again. Each city needs its own handful of permanent interactive attractions, otherwise it’s just a waste of resources, because if you’re like me, you’ll never go back to these places. Lavender town has a crypt. Maybe have some kind of exorcism minigame? I dunno, ball’s in your court, Nintendo. I’ve given you guys enough ideas that I’m not getting paid for.

Expand Player/Pokémon Interaction.

Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver‘s Pokémon follower feature allowed me to do things that I’ve wanted to do since I saw the cartoon for the first time; have some semblance of a relationship with the virtual critters. Honestly this feature marked the second time I’ve ever felt a glint of immersion in the amazing world of the Pikamen. I could talk to my Pokés, see how they are feeling, find out what they want, and have them do adorable little animations if they’re happy. As fantastic as this feature is, it has but one problem, and it’s a big one. The feature is incredibly shallow and lacking. First off, you only have about 16 or so pre-calculated actions for your follower Pokémon to do, not counting the ones that it does when it’s in a special area, like Indigo Plateau or the Pokéathlon Dome. That’s not enough for me to be convinced that my Pikachu is any different from the one that my friend has.  I want my Charmander to be unique. Take advantage of the Pokémon’s personality traits that you see in their Summary. Have it so you can, I dunno, buy some toys at the store and play some kind of minigame built around the toy with them. Little shit like that would make it so I would want to interact with my party outside of battling.

From the start, Pokémon was intended to be a cash-in on the virtual pet craze of the 90s, and it’s entirely the reason why people continue to buy into the series. While the 3DS isn’t exactly the most powerful handheld console (by a long shot), it certainly has enough horsepower to process a complex enough AI for my Pokéchu in a future installment.

Have An Actual Endgame.

One of my favorite parts of Emerald Version was all of the stuff you could do after you beat the Elite Four. Unfortunately, it was still missing a lot. Sure, the main quest is over, but why stop there? Give me something else to do other than the Battle Frontier. I want to rematch EVERYBODY. Gym Leaders, ALL Overworld Trainers, Bad Guy Team of the Week grunts/leaders, Rivals, and everyone else I missed. The way rematching was done in HeartGold and SoulSilver was terrible. Bring back the Vs. Seeker and let me use it on everyone.

EVERYONE. That includes the bitch who hopes my Pokémon faint. I know your secrets, Nurse Joy. I know what you're up to.

Difficulty.

It’s a quality that has been on the decline since Generation III. I don’t put hours upon hours into an RPG just for the sake of wasting my time. I came for a challenge, and I expect one. I don’t want my Pokémon to magically survive poisoning at the last second as seen in Generation IV, or worse, have Poison act exactly the same as Burn does. In Generation V, it doesn’t affect your Pokémon in the overworld whatsoever, thus removing any and all risk or challenge to that part of the game. The last two generations were full of handholding, tutorials and general babying right up to the end, and it made the games less than negative fun.

"What do you mean I actually have to train my Pokémon?!"

Sure, it’s a game for kids. EVERYONE uses that argument. Too bad they neglected the fact that in 1998, I was a kid myself, I had Pokemon Blue. Which had some difficulty to it. Why should today’s kids have it easy? I managed to finish the game without any problems. I could go on some huge tangent about how today’s kids are entitled pricks who are given everything, but I’ll save that for my next article. Why don’t we ever see wild Pokémon above Lv. 50 in the wild, especially in HeartGold and SoulSilver, where we have TWO regions to explore? The trainers in Kanto are far stronger than the ones in Johto, but the wild Pokémon are weaker. Why?

We Don’t Need Any New Pokémon.

Well, that’s sort of a lie, we DO need more Pokémon, we just don’t need new Pokémon with each consecutive game. Why? Well shit, take a quick glance at every Pokémon so far, sorted by generation. Notice how they get progressively less interesting with each passing iteration? Nostalgia goggles off, Generations IV and V are fucking turds when it comes to ‘mon design. Generation IV has a nice handful of interesting Pokés in the midst of a gaggle of shitty ones, sure, but Generation IV is just a mess. It’s as if they took Gen I’s roster and mutated them horribly. I can maybe grab a single digit number of Pokémon I actually like in Gen 5. Well, at least there isn’t another Pikachu clone this Ge-

GOD DAMN IT.

Give us maybe a two game span before introducing a new batch of Pocket Monsters. It’ll give us time to catch them all, and it’ll give Game Freak time to make ones that don’t suck. I mean, look at this one. You know you’re running out of ideas when one of your characters is Whoopi Goldberg:

"An actress can only play a woman. I'm an actor, I can play anything. I applied this logic to my role as a Pokémon."

NEVER Pull A Repeat Performance Of Generation V

Just what the fuck happened here?! Generation IV, as far as gameplay goes, did almost everything right. Berry trees, a Battle Frontier, the ability to have your lead Pokémon follow you, some semblance of difficulty (although, not nearly enough), the ability to rematch trainers and gym leaders, wild Pokémon stronger than level 30, and way more. ALL OF THIS was removed in Gen V, and replaced with a difficultly level a toddler would be offended by. Sure, it was pretty cool that the Pokémon were nearly fully animated, and yeah, the changing of the seasons was neat too, but that’s all Black and White versions had to show for themselves. Almost every single feature that improved the Pokémon series over the years was removed in this Generation, and was replaced with handholding and fluff. Never have I been more disappointed in a Nintendo flagship franchise, and the company has churned out some SERIOUS shit in my time.

Yes, it's a cheap shot. No, I'm not forgiving them. They're making a sequel.

Continue reading »]]> You know the score. This is the sequel to my other article, and I’m not going to bullshit about with an opening paragraph so here you go I guess:

Facebook Suicides And “Cyber Bullying”

Facebook suicides. Yeah, this is a fucking thing apparently. Story goes that a bunch of shitstained kids gang up and pick on another shitstained kid, BUT ON THE INTERNET because suddenly mention of the Internet makes this whole thing a scary and completely new concept or something. Call me an unsympathetic asshole, (I know you will.) but I cannot begin to understand the mindset of these kids though. “Oh hamburgers, I have been sent a frowny face on Facebook. Better kill myself, because that’s the logical course of action to take!”

I don't know Stacy, I just don't know how I could possibly enjoy first world luxuries like this cruise if someone on MySpace called me "a fat luser lol"! (Oh who am I kidding, nobody uses MySpace anymore.)

Kids these days. Man, if there’s one thing American teenagers can do better than the Japanese, it’s definitely pointlessly retarded suicides. They’ll kill themselves over anything nowadays. “I’m grounded from my iPod?! FINE, I’LL JUST GO INTO THE WOODS AND STAB MYSELF.” And the media just eats this shit up, because the world doesn’t turn unless Americans are irrationally afraid of something. Blaming Apple for making the iPod, or blaming consumer electronics in general for being a large part of the life of modern youth, because God forbid if it was a mixture of bad parenting and being a whiny little shit killed the beast. I suppose I shouldn’t be hating on the kids so much as the parents for doing such a shit-tastic job of raising their kids, otherwise known as doing the only fucking thing they’re actually obligated to do as parents. Speaking of, let’s use this as a wicked awesome segue into my next subject:

“Modern Parenting”

Yeah, that was a pretty gnarly segue, huh? Anyway, how could we, as a species, fuck up the most basic reproductive instincts that we leave the baby factory with this hilariously? All I hear nowadays is some insipid bullshit about how their Human pollution is going to be the President or an Astronaut, and all they have to do to attain this is to “believe”. Seriously? I do not know whether this stems from the parent in question having such high hopes for their child that they neglect reality, or if they just don’t want to disappoint their children at all costs, but this has to stop. I mean, shit, in this economic climate (OH LOOK, YOU ALL HATE ME NOW.), you’re lucky if your little crotch demon gets hired at McDonald’s after college. We fill them with dreams and don’t even give them the basic knowledge required for living in the cesspool we call Earth. Shit, kids today aren’t even given “the talk” anymore. I know parents who are so afraid of this that they let the school teach them about sex. The school! That’s literally the one of the worst places to learn about sex, outside of a panel van. I even know some parents who straight up never mention sex in front of their precious bundle of joy, thus raising a developmentally stunted child who will never get laid.

Sound familiar? Maybe this is what you want, who knows?

Because of this, and many other reasons, we’re growing a generation of the most limp-wristed, misinformed pussies to walk the face of the Earth. It’s sad, mostly because it isn’t their fault. They’re raised with high standards for the world, which comes crashing down the moment they enter college age. Look, parents. I don’t know why you think that it’s such a good idea to lie to your kids about the real world, but stop it. You’re only setting them up for failure, so fuck you and your child leashes, cunt.

Light Beers

I am a classy drinker. Dark lager, aged whiskey, fine wines, mixed drinks, et al. I didn’t really didn’t do the party scene that much in High School, and when I did, I opted for the handle. Got me really drunk, really fast and had some decent flavor. Recently, I was asked by a couple of dudebros at a party to try Corona Light. I haven’t tried this stuff since I was 16, and I hated it then, but I thought that it may be an acquired taste. I’ve never been more wrong. I have never thought my tastebuds could be this offended by otherwise lovely alcohol. Maybe I’m spoilt, but I’d much rather be spoilt than drink that bottled urine ever again. Same goes for all light beers. Bud Light, Natural Light and worst of all, Milwaukee’s Best. Honestly, if this IS Milwaukee’s best, I hope the next terrorist attack happens in Wisconsin, because this swill needs to be destroyed. Look, I get the purpose of light beer. You drink it to get drunk cheaply. But Jesus Horatio Christ, if I wanted to drink fermented dog piss, I have a dog for that. Why would I actively pay for this swill?

Corona Light, straight from the tap.

While not a beer, Smirnoff Ice can fuck off and die as well. It has a pathetically low alcohol content, which makes the simply dreadful taste that much more unacceptable.

People Who Judge The Character Of Others By Their Sleep Schedule.

The widely assumed notion that nocturnal people are of bad moral fiber because they sleep while you’re awake is wrong, and fuck anyone who does this. I don’t know how this ideal started but it’s wrong.  Personally my sleep schedule is as unpredictable as tropical weather. I honestly can’t wrap my head around why people think that I’m a horrible child rapist because I sleep until noon sometimes. Is it really that bad, suburbanite republican mother who goes to confessional when she misses a PTA meeting? Because if you want, I could totally mention how your Oxycontin addiction and affair with your kid’s principal is so much better on a moral scale.

No, none of this stems from personal experience. My mother was marginally better than this.

If you are so incredibly dense that you can’t understand that the world has to keep running during your 4x dose Ambien-fueled slumber, I hope you die on the way to work today. You are not a worthwhile human being and you absolutely deserve it.

These Fucking Things.

No, not the Ethernet Cable, the packaging it’s in. Blister packs, the bane of my existence. Impossible to open, and they’ll just fuck you up if you try. There is a new circle in Hell in development just for the man who created these. When I buy something, I want to open it right away. The knife in my glovebox could potentially damage the contents if I’m not careful, so I don’t often use it. And nobody keeps scissors in their car, so I’m fighting tooth-and-nail to open this God-forsaken package for about three or so hours. If you are employed in the packaging division of a company, and this is how you package your products, please kill yourself. We may not have our fucking jetpacks yet, but this is a pretty modern era. I’m certain we can invent better ways of containing a product than this.

Anyone Who Shows Support For Politicians

Everyone with an IQ above 60 knows that Politicians are fucking scumbags with absolutely zero humanity left. These husks are puppets for lobbies and corporations, and there are no exceptions to this. What I said is, of course, common knowledge, unless you’re completely fucking retarded. Republicans, Democrats, Conservatives, Liberals, who gives a fuck? They aren’t seeking your best interests, they only exist to get a paycheck for a fist up the ass by the people controlling their decisions. You think I’m crazy, don’t you? I’m not surprised, most retards do think that. Have you ever wondered why The United States is the only civilized country on the planet that doesn’t have free healthcare (and as a result, lower lifespans, severe poverty and general discontent)? Thank the number one lobby (35x more money spent than second place) in the country; Pfizer. They spend 3.6m a year on politicians to make sure that no free healthcare bill gets passed. Doing so would force Pfizer and other big pharmaceutical companies to lower their drug prices to affordable levels. What a tragedy.

Oh however will they survive, not being able to afford their fleet of solid gold Porsche 911s?

Speaking of expensive commodities, ever wonder how politicians can afford luxury items on a $174k annual salary? Sure, that’s a nice chunk of change, but most politicians live in million dollar houses, have no debts, and have all of their children in high class colleges. If you said lobby money, congratulations! You’re catching on! That is only one part of it though. Other than having the cocks of Pfizer, and the PACs shoved firmly in their asses, they also recieve income from being CEOs, CFOs, and chairmen of the corporations that are puppeteering them. Ah, American Politics. Truly a sign of the times.

Continue reading »]]> >>Download, MOTHAFUCKA<<

Alright, I’m going to write this up pretty hastily, since I really don’t want to dwell on this project much longer.

Watch this video on YouTube.

Notes before starting:

You will need the tools in this wiki page. Use QuickBMS to extract bb.cpk, bb2.cpk and bb3.cpk into folders in the sonic generations/disk directory called bb, bb2 and bb3. after that, merge the folders in my download with the folders in disk, replacing the original files with mine. After that, go into CriPackedFileMaker and package the folders back into bb.cpk, bb2.cpk and bb3.cpk, respectively, replacing the original bb.cpk, bb2.cpk and bb3.cpk.

If you pulled this off correctly, you shouldn’t have any problems booting the game.

Changelog since V.25:

- Classic Super Sonic’s midair momentum/drag has been fixed

- Classic Sonic’s midair Speed cap has been removed (PROBABLY BUGGY, STILL WORKING ON IT)

- Might have broken ring loss, I’ll get back to that later.

- Removed all scripted Modern Super Sonic paths.

- Increased Modern Super’s speed.

- More Modern spin attack tweaks.

- Adjusted Lightspeed Dash sensitivity.

- Added a way neato camera shake for boosting in 2D.

- Might have done this one before V.25, but Sonic now slides down walljump pads as he should.

- I’ve definitely forgotten a lot of things I changed. This is not a complete list.

What’s next:

- Figuring out why I still can’t spin backwards damnit.

- Fix Ring Loss (again)

- Further tweak Modern’s Spin Attack so that it doesn’t accelerate (simple fix).

- Under-the-Hood polish and tweaks galore.

- Remove all unnecessary speed traps and boosters from the levels, as well as attempt to refine the existing layouts.

- Probably give Super Sonic a grinding animation. Floating on a rail looks stupid as fuck.

Continue reading »]]> This article, accompanied by it’s sister article, contain shorter segments than what I usually write. That’s because (A.) most of them are pretty self-explanatory, and (B.) I’m lazy as hell and just want to publish this already.

Shenmue 3 (Along With An HD Re-Release Of Shenmue 1&2)

We’ll start with something everybody wants. It’s most likely in development, or at least been worked on gradually by Yu Suzuki, but that’s not good enough for me. Shenmue needs a refresher. Re-release the first two Shenmue games with HD Textures and models for 360/PS3/Steam/Wii U, maybe add more fighting scenarios to Shenmue 1 and some kind of arcadey training mode seperate from the story where you can fight hordes of goons, similar to the 70-man fight at the end of the first game. That should require the smallest amount of effort EVER, SEGA/Mr. Suzuki. While you gain sales and more fan support, SEGA can use the money from the re-release to work on Shenmue 3. EDIT: Apparently while I was writing this (It’s been a draft for months), this news surfaced. Uncanny.

There IS a God.

Phantasy Star V

Ooh, an obscure one. The original Phantasy Star series was a dungeon crawler RPG that felt a lot like a mix of Earthbound, Star Tropics and the original Final Fantasy games, but set in space. Phantasy Star IV for the SEGA Genesis is seemingly the final game in the original series. While PS Online and Universe are undoubtedly great additions to the franchise (and the former, in all honesty, is probably the best in the series), I’d kill for an old-school style fifth installment with new-school graphics, along with being packaged with the first four.

A New Top-Down Legend of Zelda (That Doesn’t Have A Game-Altering Gimmick)

I am not the hugest fan of 3D Zelda games. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate them, not in the slightest. I just like the top-down games far more. Unfortunately, all of the modern Zeldas in this style have some gimmick that keeps me from having any fun. Touch controls, a team of four Links, a bird hat, Trains, etc. I just want A Link to the Past gameplay with modern graphics. Gimmicks are okay, but they can’t change the core gameplay. I fucking hated the stylus controls in the DS games. It’s not like HD Retro titles are going out of style, and Zelda fanboys would just eat this shit up. You can’t tell me there’s no market for a game like this.

Coming soon to ruin a Renaissance Faire near you!

Golden Axe (Oh God Anything But Beast Rider Though)

Golden Axe is a franchise close to my heart. There’s nothing quite like slashing a bunch of dudes, straddling a dragon and burning a bunch of dudes. SEGA tried rebooting the franchise with Golden Axe: Beast Rider. It was released halfway finished by an already overworked Secret Level (SEGA’s tiny American development studio, responsible for porting a bunch of games from PC to Dreamcast, along with the rather mediocre Marvel Comics games.), and it was less fun than sodomy via red-hot iron pole. Shit character designs, no budget, lazy choosing and being ultimately rushed and unloved brought this game to the bargain bin faster than you say “Oh dear christ why am I even playing this.”. I’d love a new hack ‘n slash pseudo-platformer RPG with Gilius Thunderhead, Ax Battler and Tryis Flare kicking the shit out of every motherfucker they see, but it doesn’t look like it’s in the cards.

A Remake Of Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins

SML2 was my first Mario game, and one of my favorite Game Boy games. I used to play it for hours, and I don’t remember ever getting bored of it. Anyway, I’d absolutely love a remake of this. In either a SMW style 16-bit remake or an HD 2D re-imagining. I’m not that picky, I just want to see this game get some love. …That being said, I honestly don’t know how to further elaborate on this. Everything is already available to do this. Simply use the NSMBWii engine and tweak it to play like SML2, or take the MegaMan 9 approach and use a SNES visual style.

Watch this video on YouTube.

A (Proper) Sonic/Mario Crossover Game.

Everyone wants it. Everyone’s expected it by now. Why in the fuck hasn’t it happened yet? No, seriously, this would make ALL THE MONEY, and there is no reason (save for maybe the fact that the Wii is terrible) why this hasn’t been made yet. I’m positive it would sell more copies than every Mario or Sonic game made since 2009 combined. Face it, SEGtendo, Sonic in Brawl was okay I guess, and Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games just shouldn’t be a thing, regardless of how mindlessly entertaining the third installment was. Let’s get a real fucking crossover, yeah? Sonic goes blasting through Icecap Zone, only to end up in World 4-1 somehow, while Mario gets shot out of a cannon in Bob-omb Battlefield and lands in Oil Ocean. The story can literally be that simple. Gameplay is obvious, as well as everything else. So I’ll say again; Why in the fuck hasn’t it happened yet?

Are you seriously just going to sit idly by and let this duck bathe in the riches that YOU deserve? For shame, Sega/Nintendo. For shame.

MegaMan Fucking ANYTHING.

Capcom shits all over their MegaMan fans and they don’t even realize how much it’s hurting them. Last year, they cancelled THREE MegaMan games (MegaMan Online, Legends 3, MegaMan Universe). If that isn’t enough proof on it’s own, I don’t know what is. I would have bought any of them. They were all great looking games that would have sold millions each. I don’t know why they were canceled, but whatever reason they may have is bullshit beyond the fact that Inafune left Capcom and now they don’t want anything to do with MegaMan. And to rub salt in the wounds, MegaMan was left out of Marvel vs. Capcom 3 and pretty harshly (yet, still humorously in a ‘grit teeth and chuckle with a fake smile plastered on one’s face’ kind of way) parodied in Street Fighter X Tekken. Oh well, good luck with whatever projects you may have in the future, Capcom, because I’m sure as fuck not going to pay attention to any of them. (Not like I have since MvC2 anyway.)

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Just in case you’ve been stranded on an island for five years with nothing to communicate with beyond a blood-stained volleyball, I’ll bring you up to speed on what I’m talking about here. The American Government has been trying to put a stranglehold on the Internet and many other forms of media by attempting to enact rights-infringing legislation, along with bullying allied nations into enacting similar laws. The largest of these are ACTA, COICA, CISPA, PIPA and SOPA (What the fuck is it with American politics and initialism?), and they could potentially ruin the rest of your basement dwelling lives. I am going to give my structured and well-formed opinions on this issue, and I don’t think it’s going to be quite as cut-and-dry as you think I’m going to make it.

“Why is this a problem? Surely it doesn’t affect me!”

And that’s why it’ll hit you the hardest when it does. This effects everyone residing in Sol III. Do you like making your shitty Naruto AMVs that nobody watches? Do you like writing your Harry Potter slash fiction? (There’s always one.) Do you like frequenting and discussing on forums about things other people have made? Well, enjoy it while it lasts, because all of that is coming to a screeching halt real soon.

Don’t live in America? Don’t think you have any cause to worry? Well, SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER, you absolutely do. American Government is a collection of the most wretched, disgusting subhumans on Earth, and they have been using tactics akin to schoolyard bullying, with a little blackmail for good measure, to get other countries (read: most developed countries) to sign an international treaty called ACTA, or the Anti-Counterfiting Trade Agreement. ACTA, if passed, will usher in an era of worldwide censorship the likes of which nobody outside of Asia has ever seen before.

*Type nothing and click "I'm Feeling Lucky"* "Your search terms produced 0 results."

Artists And Corporations Deserve What You (The Consumer) Think They Deserve.

It’s not the other way around. Take a look around the internet. You’ll notice a lot of negative domains related to corporate entities have been bought by the corporations that they would otherwise target. Sonysucks.com, for example, redirects to Sony Music. I’ll admit that this is a minor gripe for now. Not really a big deal. After all, they have every right to do this, as petty and underhanded as it is. If any of these IP laws pass, however, expect any internet review of products you’ve bought, criticisms of corporations, or any gripes you have with anything related to a corporation to be silenced.

Thanks to CISPA, we'll never see these again.

I take a try before I buy approach to media. Generally, I pirate music and video games to try them out, since the first level of a game or a small 20 second clip of a song just isn’t enough for me. If it’s good, I’ll buy it, because I like having a physical copy of my media. If it’s shit, I obviously won’t buy it, and I’ll probably get rid of the pirated copy. Either way, this method has saved me some serious cash, and I make sure my money goes to deserving parties. I’d much rather just send a check to the artists who deserve it, but unfortunately it doesn’t work that way.

Stop Thinking The Government And Companies Give A Shit About You. (Also, You People Are Fucking Stupid For Thinking So.)

I mean, at this point, anyone who thinks The U.S. Government has a shit giving department for American Citizens is a fucking moron. (Here’s looking at you, Baby Boomer Generation.) It’s only functions are to legislate people into closed-minded submission and to take bribes from corporate lobbyists who want to further the latter so as to make more money. I really wish this statement didn’t sound so tinfoil hat, but it’s true, and it’s been this way since the Industrial Revolution. What The Government DOES care about is money. Look at a huge chunk of congress. Notice anything about them? Prior to becoming politicians, they didn’t lead the lifestyle of the Average Joe. No, most of them were and are owned by corporate entities. CEOs, CFOs, Chairmen, Presidents, high percentage shareholders, et al. Now there’s nothing inherently wrong with having financial success, but the fact that the majority of our politicians are filthy rich, corporate owned shitbags has to stop.

Politicians lie, this is fact. But for some fucked reason, the majority of people STILL have faith in the system. My point is that you fat fucks in your HoverRounds, while you DO realize that politicians are lying cunts, at the same time will believe whatever insipid bullshit that comes out their wordholes, as long as the words “Freedom/Liberty”, “America”, “Terrorist” or “Children” are shoehorned somewhere in their spiel. It’s unbelievable from a third person perspective (my perspective, in this case), really. I just can’t understand why it is that those words will brainwash most Americans, but you fuckers fall for it every time. The dangerously close to being passed “Protecting Children From Internet Pornographers Act (For Freedom, Justice, Liberty and free Motorcycles and Ice Cream for Everyone I guess)” is an excellent supporter of my claim. This bill has absofuckinglutely nothing to do with Child Porn prevention. It’s just an underhanded, sneaky, back alley way to pass IP laws by misleading people into support by tugging at America’s already misguided child safety heartstrings. This legislation is even WORSE than SOPA in that it will make it so everyone’s Internet access is monitored AT ALL TIMES. Yeah, all of that shemale granny tranny shit you’ve been looking at? They’ll fucking know. What’s worse is that if some form of SOPA passes, the media outlets will know what you’re doing, since ISPs will now have every right to sell this information to them, and regardless of whether it’s reasonable or not, they’ll sue you. For a lot of money. And they’ll win. It’s the only way companies like Apple know how to make money anymore, so I don’t think they’re above highwaymanesque robbery of normal people living normal lives.

"Stand and deliver!" "We also provide a protection plan that we'll never honor so this kind of thing doesn't happen again. But you know it totally will."

“Well Fuck, SOPACISPACTAPIPA Passed. Now What?”

Well, if you like things the way they were? Revolt. Protest. If protests don’t work, riot. Gain enough support and fight back. Hard. If you love your freedoms as much as your foodstained XXL “These Colors Don’t Run” T-Shirt implies, get out there and fucking do something.  You’ve got nothing better to do anyway, they took Reddit, for Christ’s sake!

WHERE WILL I GET MY PHILOSOPHICAL VALIDATION NOW?!

And I’m not talking about that pussy-ass KONY2012 hand-in-hand “Social Activism” bullshit that all of you fucking retarded hippies bought into, I mean straight up leave your house (a challenge for most, I know), go to a protest, and wreak havoc. Get angry, get loud, get violent. It’s the only way anyone will hear you. I’m serious. If you think shitsux once they pass the SOPAPIPAs, it’ll only get worse from there. It’s a slippery slope for civil rights, and you’re coated in Vaseline. Do something to fix that.

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This isn’t just for overrated or shitty games, there are some overrated and shitty games in this post, but the main reason for this is to list off some games that just need to stop doing what they’re doing. It could be for various reasons. Rehashing, being boring, lack of originality, other companies putting out a better, superior alternative, or the developer simply has no awareness of the series limping past it’s expiration date. Whatever the reason may be, this is the first in a series of articles that contain games that should no longer be.

Call of Duty: WWII/Modern Warfare

Let’s start of with an easy one. We really, really don’t need another CoD. Ever. It’s been milked to death. Call of Duty has exceeded even Madden levels of mindless rehashing, and it’s so shameless that Activision doesn’t even try to hide it anymore.

"Because fuck you, we know you're going to buy it anyway." -Bobby "Beelzebub" Kotick

Yeah, that's the stuff.

That being said, nobody wants Call of Duty: Trench Warfare. No games based on the Great War, unless it involves old school dogfights against the Red Baron or killing Archduke Ferdinand, please. We don’t need a trenchfoot simulator. Of course none of this will ever happen, since Activision wouldn’t be pandering to their college sophomore dudebro demographic. Activision would be nothing if not for their precious dudebros. And Pitfall Harry.

Sonic Adventure Styled Sonic Games

They were good during the Dreamcast days, but that gameplay formula has aged poorly. Sonic ’06 would be an underhanded, cop-out example, but I’ll use it anyway. Even if the game was totally bug-free, the platforming would be clunky, inaccurate and slow, and attacking enemies would be no different. Heroes is also an excellent, more functional example of this. Not to say Sonic Adventure 1 and 2 are bad, but the gameplay mechanics just don’t work with modern gaming. (Not like modern gaming’s that good to begin with, but still.)

I also don’t want to play as Sonic’s Shitty Friends™ , save for maybe Tails and Knuckles, and I absolutely hate going through the same levels eight fucking times to finish the game. This was the worst part about Adventure 1, 2, and Sonic Heroes. I want to go through the main story ONCE and choose the characters I want to play as for each level. I don’t want to be forced into playing Forgettable the Boringhog in his own separate-campaign-yet-exactly-the-same-as-Sonic’s-with-some-minor-changes. It’s a good thing they’re going with that Unleashed/Colors/Generations gameplay now, because if I swear, if I see that fucking cat one more time…

DURRGH, MY ENTIRE CAMPAIGN WAS BASED ON FINDING A FROG.

Halo

Halo 3 – FINISH THE FIGHT.
Halo 4 – FINISH HARDER.
Halo 5 – START A NEW FIGHT?

I’m not bashing Halo. I actually totally dig the Halo Universe. Hell, I enjoyed every game in the series except the second one. But when you plan to end a series with a tertiary title, do that. I know Bungie sold the rights to the series the series to Microsoft. It makes sense that Microsoft would milk the franchise for all it’s worth, but I actually want to finish the fight eventually. I don’t want Halo 15: Master Chief vs Space Aliens: Spacelectric Boombaloo.

Halo 4 makes sense, since the story really isn’t over, but I’d prefer they wrap it up in a maximum of three more games. I don’t want my grandchildren to FINISH THE FIGHT HARDER AGAIN TOMORROW FOREVER PART 2 TURBO EDITION REV. 3.

"Why are we still playing this?" "I dunno, let's think about it after we get Chief to the laundromat."

Pokemon.

Give it a break please. We only need ONE Pokemon game per handheld generation. Once Pokemon Black and White 2 (not making this up by the way) come out, this will be the THIRD generation of games to come out on the Nintendo DS. Save SOME content for the 3DS, will ya? Now, I fucking LOVE Pokemon. That’s not news, but there is no reason to put out so many Pokemon games per console generation. I was happy with just the one-generation-of-pikamen-per-console-generation. It gave me time for my wallet to recuperate, and it gave Nintendo time to design Pokemon that didn’t look like already existing Pokemon.

BECAUSE THAT NEVER FUCKING GETS OLD OR ANYTHING.

Pokemon is supposed to be an experience that adds something new and dynamic with every new installment, and that shit just doesn’t happen anymore. The last truly excellent Pokemon game I’ve played had to have been Emerald Version. It took all of what made the last games great, and perfected it. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the same feelings for another game in this series again.

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Sonic the Hedgehog is well known for his apparent heroism, but taking a closer look, he’s a bona fide asshole. Now sit right back and you’ll hear a tale about why Sonic is way more evil than Dr. Robotnik himself. Also, I don’t like writing opening paragraphs, so just read the fucking article, okay?

3. Sonic Adventure – Thanks To Sonic And Co.’s Glorious (Possibly Intentional) Ineptitude, Tens Of Thousands Of People Drown.

Sonic exactly isn’t known for his stupidity, but just look at these cutscenes and tell me he doesn’t have an extra chromosome or three:

Watch this video on YouTube.

“Oh no!” Sonic says, helplessly. You have to be shitting me. With all of those powers Sonic apparently has, he must be too retarded to use any. Is it really impossible for him to, say, cut through the claw with a spindash, run, jump and try to wrestle the Emerald from the claw, maybe intercept the gem in midair while Eggman throws it at Chaos, or I dunno, try to do ANYTHING AT ALL?! Nope. He just sits there with some stupid look on his face, while the Doctor gives Chaos more power.

Watch this video on YouTube.

Note how fucking slowly Sonic just walks toward the Chaos Emerald. Isn’t he supposed to be the Fastest Thing Alive or something? You know, I’m starting to think Sonic doesn’t really want the Chaos Emerald. Actually, it’s quite clear that he either must want Eggman to win, or is curious to see what happens to Chaos after this, because he definitely wasn’t putting any effort whatsoever into grabbing that Emerald.

The same shit occurs four more times (not even remotely kidding.), until finally this happens:

Watch this video on YouTube.

Yep. Perfect Chaos drowns Station Square and all its inhabitants. Thanks, Sonic, you’re a real fucking hero.

2. Sonic Archie Comics #54 – Sonic Is Pissed That There Is No Evil On Mobius, So He Turns Into A Colossal Dick.

After Dr. Robotnik was killed in Issue #50, Sonic went on a manic-depressive bender and started treating everyone like shit because he didn’t have someone to beat up anymore.

Pictured: Asshole.

Uncle Chuck and Tails are trying to figure out Sonic’s top speed, and Sonic intentionally breaks the device that attempts to measure his velocity out of sheer assholery.

Time to start getting emotionally distant, Uncle Chuck.

After treating Uncle Chuck and Tails like dogshit, he goes off to find solace in the fact that things are the way they are and–

Wow, that was convenient.

Oh wait, haha. Never mind. A quartet of MacGuffinbots swoop in at the very last second before Sonic can learn a lesson or some faggy shit like that.

1. Sonic Archie Comics #128 – Sonic Convinces A Godlike Entity To Destroy Hundreds Of Planets And Cause The Extinction Of The Indigenous Populations Therein.

(That was a mouthful.)

Alright, so it’s pretty well established that Sonic is a total asshole now, but what tops the list is something he did in the Archie Comics. Read the following snippets of comic scans I put together. To put it all in context, Sonic is in space somehow:

ASTEROIDS!

Seems normal, right? Well next page, Sonic meets some Aliens somehow:

Uh Oh.

And then, as all supergeniuses do, Sonic reveals to the aliens that he is the reason this thing exists, and is also the reason it’s destroying the galaxy.

GG, Sonic.

Fuckin’ smooth, Sonic. Let’s see exactly what kind of collateral damage he’s caused:

Kindly sages? Fuck 'em.

Nice. (Click to Enlarge.)

So, as you can see, Sonic convinced an all-powerful monster to commit wanton supergenocide across the universe. Nice. I hope you’re happy, Sonic, because you caused a mass murder hundreds of thousands of times greater than Eggman is even capable of. Hero of Mobius, but nobody else. Keep it classy, you fucking maniac.

Oh, you think he showed any remorse? Naw, man, that just ain’t his style. He participates and wins an interstellar race  and is just as happy as can be in the following issue.

Continue reading »]]> Alright, let’s get this over with.

Yeah, Sonic Generations, blah, blah, blah, Classic Sonic, blah, blah Modern Sonic, blah, blah, Homing Shot. You should know what this game is by now. If not: The Time MacGuffin steals Sonic’s friends and then he has to go save them, then somehow meets up with himself circa the SEGA Genesis games, so they team up. Yeah, that’s about it. Here’s the review:

Story/Plot/Characters/etc.

Dude, I literally just explained it in the opening paragraph. There is barely any story, which is both good and bad. The good is that we don’t have to listen to Sonic’s Shitty Friends™, and the bad is that I really like the new voice cast and this is the first time in my history of playing Sonic games that I would actually like to hear Sonic and Co. speak. Anyway, I seriously can’t delve further into the story without spoiling the whole thing. It’s that small.

Sonic’s just as awesomely smarmy as he was in Sonic Colors, thanks mostly to Roger Craig Smith doing a fantastic job voicing him. Mike Pollock is also the perfect voice for Dr. Eggman, as always. Kate Higgins is also an adequate Tails. As for the rest of the cast, they’re so unimportant to the plot that I’m not even going to bother with them.

Gameplay

Shit’s good, yo. Both Sonics play very well, but I can’t say Classic Sonic is anywhere near faithful to the original four games, beyond running and jumping. The Spin Attack gains no momentum whatsoever, it’s just a hardcoded roll, then stop eventually. It’s practically useless. The Spindash is both incredibly overpowered and underpowered. The level 1 Spindash moves you exactly three feet (not an exaggeration), level 2 Spindash is practically nonexistent, but it’s what the level 3 should be, and the level 3 shoots you way too fucking fast. I know that Sonic is supposed to be fast, but this is a video game. You honestly can’t expect to control Sonic at his actual running speeds. And before you asstards come around and scream “I THOUGHT IT WAS FINE, GO BACK TO SONIC RETRO, YOU ELITIST FAGGOT!” shut your whore mouth. I know the game inside and out, as well as the originals. Generations’ Classic Sonic is objectively lacking, compared to the Genesis titles. Thing is, I still enjoy playing it. Generations Classic Sonic is different, but not so much so that he’s unplayable, boring, or even inherently bad. A good comparison to make would be Mario’s Physics in Donkey Kong (Generations) compared to his physics in Super Mario Bros. (Sonic 1-S3&K) That is, similar, but something’s missing. At least it’s more accurate than the bag of smashed assholes that is Sonic 4: Episode 1.

Oh yeah, did I mention '90s Sonic can get a fucking Skateboard? That's right. Sonic's taking BADICAL to the XTREME. POGS. DORITOS. PASTELS.

Now as for Modern Sonic, Sonic Team took what made half of Unleashed and all of Colors good and made it great. I really like the direction they’ve been taking Sonic as of recent with this gameplay style. Every subsequent game gets some improvements and tweaks, if only marginal. Baby steps, but progress nonetheless. Modern’s gameplay is definitely an overall improvement from the last two games, but there are some flaws which I will explain later. You can now stop on a dime, instead of sliding to your doom, a la Unleashed. Rainbow Rings and Yellow Launchers now have more purpose, beyond launching you. Oh, and how’s this for a nice touch? You can actually CONTROL Sonic this time. His turning radius is much better at speed. Drifting has also been tightened, and for better or worse, Sonic curls up into a spin while drifting. Unforch, while Sonic Team giveth, they also taketh away. The stomp, while improved in some aspects, is far inferior to how it worked in Sonic Unleashed. You can no longer stomp directly into a slide like you could in the previous installments, which is a massive letdown. You stop dead, unless you’re on a slope. It didn’t have to be so black and white like that. They could have had it so that holding a directional button while stomping would have it work like it did in Unleashed, and stomping while pressing nothing would stop you dead. It’s exactly that simple. That’s really the only major problem, though. Now as some of you know, I’m trying to fix all of the gameplay issues this game has, so check that out if you have the PC version. It’ll probably make the game a lot better for you, provided you share the same complaints as me. One last thing. Speed boosters fucking suck. Stop using them, Sonic Team/Dimps. They ruin the flow and openness of the levels. My already plugged mod gets rid of them.

All around, the gameplay is solid, yet imperfect, almost completely bug-free and worth many hours of your time.

Graphics

While not the best looking game in the series, (Sonic Unleashed still holds this title) it’s damn close. The Global Illumination Ambiance is of lower quality than Unleashed, but it’s still crisp as all get out. Modern Sonic’s ingame model has significantly improved since Unleashed though, and Classic Sonic looks exactly as awesome as he should. I really have no complaints whatsoever about the graphics. Each Stage was reimagined perfectly. (Sonic Retro, while they are awesome most of the time, they complain about the most menial bullshit. “Sky Sanctuary isn’t yellow enough!” Fuck you.)

All of those machines in the back there are fully animated. It's a little extra that I didn't notice until I took this screenshot.

The Animations in the game are absolutely flawless, the environments and atmosphere as well. Overall, a great re-creation of the classics. I heard there were framerate issues on the PS3 version, but I got the game for Master Race, so I don’t have do deal with the limits of 7 year old consoles.

Sound/Music

As you all should know, the entire soundtrack is a collection of remixes. There isn’t anything totally new here, save for Time MacGuffin’s Theme, which isn’t all that great.

That said, the remixes are amazing. They leave almost no stone unturned. From Knuckles Chaotix to Sonic Spinball, they cover more or less every game that wasn’t on SEGA Master System or Game Gear (which is pretty disappointing). There’s a seven minute long Big Band Jazz version of Casino Night, a House remix of Speed Highway, a smooth Celtic version of Door Into Summer, et al. You name it, it’s probably remixed or available in the game. The only complaint is that the Toxic Caves remix was lacking, but it was just an extra song, so I’m not going to get butthurt about it.

There is a lot of Ambiance and life in the environment. Birds chirping, people making nondescript people noises, the rather common Pendulum Guillotines of Europe slashing away at you, etc. It’s quite lovely.

Final Thoughts Zone Act 3

Definitely Buy it for PC. I’m not going to give you some Number-out-of-Number or X-Amount-of-Symbols review here. I don’t do that. My verdicts are either buy it, rent it, or forget about it in my reviews. In this case, it’s worth buying, hands down. It’s worth every penny, and I highly doubt you’ll be disappointed. The game’s fuckin’ swish.

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Personally, I’m totally for the legalization of marijuana for recreational use. Other than smoke inhalation, there really aren’t any health risks, and it isn’t like PCP where you viciously murder people and rape their entrails without knowing. All it makes you is happy, hungry, content with boredom and a little tired. There have been centuries of extensive research, and that’s all they could find. What’s so bad about that? Sounds like me while sober anyway. Well, hate to rain on your parade, but here are the main reasons why you’re never going to find a reefer vending machine in your lifetime:

3. Rap and The Accompanying Culture

Put down your pitchforks, gentlemen. There is a huge reason why this is here. THE GOD DAMN COLOREDS. But seriously, the rap culture is already universally hated by government entities for being about murdering middle class honkies and raping honky women. It’s a subculture that everyone in power hates. You think Biggie Smalls or NWA are going to help the “green movement”? Probably not.

FUCK THAT SHIT 'CAUSE I AIN'T THE ONE

It’s bad enough that the lyrics go on nonstop about smoking and acquiring weed, but also getting into gunfights over it. This paints a bad picture in everyone’s eyes. Now take note that a lot of rappers HAVEN’T really gotten into gunfights and are actually just retarded faggots who thought they were raised in a crime-ridden neighborhood, but most people believe what they rap about, and therein lies the problem. The violent nature of gangster rap has and will always be one of the scapegoats Congressman Dick Assclown will use.

2. The Baby Boomer Generation ( A.K.A: Most Cops, Lobbyists and Politicians. Also Probably Your Parents.)

Let’s face it, most old people suck, but in this case, it isn’t entirely their fault. They were raised in a really fucking scary time. The Cold War Era was a time where everyone was afraid of everything, and the government could easily get away with saying anything and everything could kill you. Their minds were drilled with the notion that marijuana will kill you after one puff, or you will be hooked after your first spliff (if you survive your first hit), and most of the stuff they were taught was complete and utter bullshit. Some of that intentionally misinformed propaganda still exists today, but now the internet exists, so ‘educational’ video publishers have to be less deceptive about it, so as to not anger a metric fuckton of Snopes.com patrons.

While anti-drug propaganda are far less aggressive than they were in the 1960′s through the 1980′s, it’s still being made by the Baby Boomer Generation. And they were shown Reefer Madness, so they are still scared shitless of the evil marihuanas and want to “protect the children” as much as they can. So until they die off, you’re not going to see weed in a Speedway or 7-Eleven.

It’s a shame too, because I would totally not mind a sesh with grandpa.

1. You.

Yes, You. If you are reading this, you are likely somewhere on the spectrum of casual smoker to stoner, yeah? That’s what I thought. Look, the more you keep lazily blathering on about “Legalize it, man” while violently fisting a bag of Doritos in front of a TV playing a Weeds marathon, the more the suits and the general public think weed will turn everyone into lazy, stupid, hippies.

“How do I rectify this situation, one who has all of the answers?” is a question you may ask. Well, it’s simple, really: Shut the fuck up and go do something. Health risks are only half of the reason people think Marijuana is bad. The other half is people thinking it will make the world unproductive. So get up off your couch, do some dishes, take a walk, just do SOMETHING. Be responsible, cut off those stupid fucking dreads, get a job, et al. The more ents who lead productive lives, the more socially acceptable everyone’s favorite flower becomes, so get to it.

Continue reading »]]> Ahoy there! Today I am going to delve into why I’m a cynical asshole. You lucky dog, you. You have the privilege of learning about the certain things that rustle my jimmies, such as:

Female Comedians Who Are Not Kathleen Madigan.

You sir! Yes, you. Are you a fan of post-menopausal women who make jokes about their vaginal cavity, period jokes, talking about how much of a bitch they can be and wisecracks about childbearing? You say you don’t because you don’t understand any of that shit or think it’s funny? Well congratulations, you are either a man, prepubescent girl or a woman who has an understanding of what comedy is.

Kathy Griffin is not only an unfunny cunt, but she also looks like a middle-aged crossdresser. I am not wrong.

Kathleen Madigan is what a lot of male comedians are. That is, funny. She doesn’t talk about her cooter, she doesn’t talk about how men are sex-crazed idiots, she doesn’t joke about vaginal fluids. She understands what makes both men and women laugh. Sure, she has a couple bits about hooking up with some dude, but guess what? It’s totally fine. It’s still something that is valid and relate-able to both sexes. Generally, male comedians don’t always assign gender to their jokes, which is why they are more numerous. They appeal to a broader demographic than the recently divorced, bi-curious suburban mother in her 40s.  Look, female comedians. I don’t hate you all, but if your act contains nothing but stories about denying sex to your man, that one awkward trip to the OB/GYN Clinic, or just being an all around bitch, then fuck you.

Gay People Who Don’t Shut The Fuck Up About It.

You’re here. You’re queer. I’m already used to it, so shut the fuck up before I punch the fabulous out of you. Homos, I find nothing wrong with you liking dudes/chicks (not like you need some internet stranger’s validation anyway), but if you can’t just be happy with your significant other without your annoying as fuck flag waving, then kindly go fall into a ditch and die.

Please kill yourself so many times.

Straight People Who Don’t Shut The Fuck Up About It.

Yeah, I get it broja. When you say “no homo”, you really mean you suck dicks but don’t want anyone else to think less of you. I understand completely. Now go pound some Miller Lites, take a few bong hits and go fantasize about that pink Hollister polo wearing beefcake over there. Seriously though, are you that uncomfortable with your sexuality that you have to constantly reassure yourself and your peers that you are straight? Sounds a bit suspicious if you ask me. Whatever, dudebro. I don’t judge (openly).

THE PINNACLE OF HETEROSEXUALITY YO.

Ya fuckin’ doucher.

People Who Think Peaceful Protests Acutally Do Jack-Shit Outside Of Some Isolated Cases.

Yeah, stereotypical college liberal, Mohandas Ghandi did some really neat shit by not resorting to violence to solve his problems. Just know that 99% of the time, it doesn’t happen that smoothly. The reason people talk about his life is because it was truly amazing that anything came from not punching his country’s captors in their limey faces.  This is what’s known in the real world as a miracle. Miracles do not happen like they do in Disney Movies, so stop trying to be so passive about shit, man the fuck up and do something about your problems.

Wal-Mart Greeters.

This one’s probably just me, but what the fuck do they even do? I mean, I can understand the virtue of giving that nice old WWII Vet a job when he is clearly incapable of doing literally anything else, but it’s kinda disturbing actually. “Welcome to Wal-Mart, I’m dead inside!” Truth be told, this isn’t the aspect about it that compelled me to list it. The reason, I suppose, is the eerie fact that this is what Wal-Mart’s top corporate big shots think lulls shoppers into a false sense of community. Really? A kindly old lady in a blue vest and a yellow smiley-face button is supposed to make me feel like Wal-Mart is more than just a warehouse where I buy a bunch of shit and then go home? I’m totally serious, Wal-Mart Greeters creep me the fuck out.

People Who Think It’s Okay To Be Fat.

It really, really isn’t. Please lose weight. You are a strain on my eyes and an embarassment to this entire country. Get out of that fucking Hoveround, stop eating McDonald’s, and start doing some fucking sit-ups, or failing that, just kinda jiggle and flail a bit. It provides entertainment for the non-fatties, and it burns calories. I swear, I can find a solution to any problem. What’s worse are the fuckers who think “glandular problems” are holding them back. This is what almost all fatasses use as an excuse. Just because you think you have an undiagnosed problem, doesn’t mean it’ll kill you to go near a treadmill.

While terrible, I can't say I have sympathy.

Don’t even get me started on childhood obesity. There is NO excuse for that shit.

Old, Senile People Who Still Think It’s Okay To Drive.

As a Florida Resident, these folks scare the shit out of me. There is no stereotype for old drivers in Florida, only truths. They DO drive on the wrong side of the road. They do regularly kill Motorcyclists. They DO crash into structures that aren’t even remotely close to the road. They DO close their eyes when crossing an intersection out of the sheer terror that resulted in them doing such a risky action. They ARE a menace, and they shouldn’t be allowed to drive. My end all-be all solution to this problem? Simple: Make them retake a driving exam, free of charge starting at age 65 or 70. Is that really such a bad thing? I mean, shit, that’s probably the most feasible idea I’ve had in this entire article.

Where did you put the hand crank, dearie? I have to go to the Nickel and Dime store so I can buy some asbestos for my son's smallpox.

Suburban Parents Who Don’t Remember Being A Child.

First of all, fuck all of you. Your parent/faculty meetings ruined my Public Schooling experience more than the shitty aspergian brats I had to deal with. Why don’t you teach your own fucking kids about sex? Why don’t you tell them the truth about drugs, instead of having some bored and cynical Science Teacher dig out a Cold War-era slideshow about how “Marihuana” (a.k.a. Pot or Grass as idiots think it’s called on the street instead of, you know, Marijuana or Weed.) kills 10 million people every seven minutes? Why don’t you let your kids buy the occasional soda to have with their school lunch? Why do you think sheltering your kids instead of letting them experience life is a good thing?

If you can’t remember what it’s like to be the same age as your children, you shouldn’t be a parent. Do the right thing and surrender your children to an adoption agency immediately. You probably had sex in your teen years. You probably smoked your first joint in the school parking lot. Hell, you probably did WORSE shit than your kids are doing. Let them live life before they have to pay taxes and work until they die. You can’t keep them from having sex. You’re simply making it harder for them to function in the real world.

People Who Still Talk About 9/11.

Eleven fucking years. An entire decade and change has gone by, and people are still talking about an event that doesn’t even come remotely close to the magnitude of all other disasters in more recent history that haven’t attained as much publicity. Some asshole towelheads demolished two and a half important buildings and killed a few thousand people. That’s pretty damn terrible, but get the fuck over it. Singing God Bless America and only buying domestic isn’t going to bring those people back. Thanks to all of the hysteria 9/11 caused, I can’t travel long distances without getting my ballsack groped and asshole fingered by some dopey looking TSA Agent with a staggeringly pathetic false sense of making a difference. Here’s a nice statistic for you: Since the TSA’s inception in 2002, NOT ONE SINGLE HOMELAND TERRORIST THREAT HAS BEEN INTERCEPTED, STOPPED, OR CARRIED OUT. Guess who’s at fault for that huge waste of time and taxpayer money? 9/11 obsessed, wolf crying assholes like you. Stop talking about 9/11 so I can get on an airplane without being sexually harassed.

These colors don't run.

Occupy Wall Street Protestors Who Ask For Handouts.

You are giving that entire movement an even worse image by being a fucking bum. OWS’s projected goal isn’t so you can get paid to not work. The protests are to call out the assholes who are buying out senate seats, corrupting the economy, and getting away with fiscal murder. If you don’t want to work for a living, please find a nice bridge or cardboard box to live in and die slowly and painfully of dysentery, please.

People Who Care About/Mention The “Latest Celeb Gossip”

People who care about celebrity drama are a cancer to society and honestly should be disposed of en masse. End of. I don’t give a fuck about Whitney Houston, Lindsay Lohan or Cher, and neither should you. Fuck off and die.

People Who Think Of Politics As “Celeb Gossip”

You fuckers are even worse than the assholes above. You are single-handedly causing the wrong people to get elected. “But Bill Clinton smoked weed in college!”, you say. Well, happity schlappity doo! It’s not like you didn’t, you hypocritical subhuman! “But-” No. No “buts”. Everybody makes mistakes. You can’t expect politicians to have a clean slate of morality. If anything, I’d vote for the people who fucked up in life (provided they show that they have legitimately learned form their mistakes), because it shows that they have had some real world experience. That is quality I can appreciate.

People Who Call Android OS Phones “The Droid”

No, you stupid bitch, my phone is not “The Droid” It is an HTC Ace. Sure, it uses ANDROID OS, but it is not a “The Droid”. Droid is a mediocre line of Verizon phones mostly made by Motorola. They are decently crafted, but poorly enginered. They also run Android OS, but Verizon packs in so many proprietary apps and themes that you can’t remove into those phones that you really can’t tell what OS it uses. The Droid line is the third worst Android phone line only to whatever LG and The Grorius People’s Repubric of China happen to shit out as their entry-level smartphones.

*PHEW*, now I can finally publish this. Cool.