Continue reading »]]> >>Download, MOTHAFUCKA<<

Alright, I’m going to write this up pretty hastily, since I really don’t want to dwell on this project much longer.

Watch this video on YouTube.

Notes before starting:

You will need the tools in this wiki page. Use QuickBMS to extract bb.cpk, bb2.cpk and bb3.cpk into folders in the sonic generations/disk directory called bb, bb2 and bb3. after that, merge the folders in my download with the folders in disk, replacing the original files with mine. After that, go into CriPackedFileMaker and package the folders back into bb.cpk, bb2.cpk and bb3.cpk, respectively, replacing the original bb.cpk, bb2.cpk and bb3.cpk.

If you pulled this off correctly, you shouldn’t have any problems booting the game.

Changelog since V.25:

- Classic Super Sonic’s midair momentum/drag has been fixed

- Classic Sonic’s midair Speed cap has been removed (PROBABLY BUGGY, STILL WORKING ON IT)

- Might have broken ring loss, I’ll get back to that later.

- Removed all scripted Modern Super Sonic paths.

- Increased Modern Super’s speed.

- More Modern spin attack tweaks.

- Adjusted Lightspeed Dash sensitivity.

- Added a way neato camera shake for boosting in 2D.

- Might have done this one before V.25, but Sonic now slides down walljump pads as he should.

- I’ve definitely forgotten a lot of things I changed. This is not a complete list.

What’s next:

- Figuring out why I still can’t spin backwards damnit.

- Fix Ring Loss (again)

- Further tweak Modern’s Spin Attack so that it doesn’t accelerate (simple fix).

- Under-the-Hood polish and tweaks galore.

- Remove all unnecessary speed traps and boosters from the levels, as well as attempt to refine the existing layouts.

- Probably give Super Sonic a grinding animation. Floating on a rail looks stupid as fuck.

Continue reading »]]> This article, accompanied by it’s sister article, contain shorter segments than what I usually write. That’s because (A.) most of them are pretty self-explanatory, and (B.) I’m lazy as hell and just want to publish this already.

Shenmue 3 (Along With An HD Re-Release Of Shenmue 1&2)

We’ll start with something everybody wants. It’s most likely in development, or at least been worked on gradually by Yu Suzuki, but that’s not good enough for me. Shenmue needs a refresher. Re-release the first two Shenmue games with HD Textures and models for 360/PS3/Steam/Wii U, maybe add more fighting scenarios to Shenmue 1 and some kind of arcadey training mode seperate from the story where you can fight hordes of goons, similar to the 70-man fight at the end of the first game. That should require the smallest amount of effort EVER, SEGA/Mr. Suzuki. While you gain sales and more fan support, SEGA can use the money from the re-release to work on Shenmue 3. EDIT: Apparently while I was writing this (It’s been a draft for months), this news surfaced. Uncanny.

There IS a God.

Phantasy Star V

Ooh, an obscure one. The original Phantasy Star series was a dungeon crawler RPG that felt a lot like a mix of Earthbound, Star Tropics and the original Final Fantasy games, but set in space. Phantasy Star IV for the SEGA Genesis is seemingly the final game in the original series. While PS Online and Universe are undoubtedly great additions to the franchise (and the former, in all honesty, is probably the best in the series), I’d kill for an old-school style fifth installment with new-school graphics, along with being packaged with the first four.

A New Top-Down Legend of Zelda (That Doesn’t Have A Game-Altering Gimmick)

I am not the hugest fan of 3D Zelda games. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate them, not in the slightest. I just like the top-down games far more. Unfortunately, all of the modern Zeldas in this style have some gimmick that keeps me from having any fun. Touch controls, a team of four Links, a bird hat, Trains, etc. I just want A Link to the Past gameplay with modern graphics. Gimmicks are okay, but they can’t change the core gameplay. I fucking hated the stylus controls in the DS games. It’s not like HD Retro titles are going out of style, and Zelda fanboys would just eat this shit up. You can’t tell me there’s no market for a game like this.

Coming soon to ruin a Renaissance Faire near you!

Golden Axe (Oh God Anything But Beast Rider Though)

Golden Axe is a franchise close to my heart. There’s nothing quite like slashing a bunch of dudes, straddling a dragon and burning a bunch of dudes. SEGA tried rebooting the franchise with Golden Axe: Beast Rider. It was released halfway finished by an already overworked Secret Level (SEGA’s tiny American development studio, responsible for porting a bunch of games from PC to Dreamcast, along with the rather mediocre Marvel Comics games.), and it was less fun than sodomy via red-hot iron pole. Shit character designs, no budget, lazy choosing and being ultimately rushed and unloved brought this game to the bargain bin faster than you say “Oh dear christ why am I even playing this.”. I’d love a new hack ‘n slash pseudo-platformer RPG with Gilius Thunderhead, Ax Battler and Tryis Flare kicking the shit out of every motherfucker they see, but it doesn’t look like it’s in the cards.

A Remake Of Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins

SML2 was my first Mario game, and one of my favorite Game Boy games. I used to play it for hours, and I don’t remember ever getting bored of it. Anyway, I’d absolutely love a remake of this. In either a SMW style 16-bit remake or an HD 2D re-imagining. I’m not that picky, I just want to see this game get some love. …That being said, I honestly don’t know how to further elaborate on this. Everything is already available to do this. Simply use the NSMBWii engine and tweak it to play like SML2, or take the MegaMan 9 approach and use a SNES visual style.

Watch this video on YouTube.

A (Proper) Sonic/Mario Crossover Game.

Everyone wants it. Everyone’s expected it by now. Why in the fuck hasn’t it happened yet? No, seriously, this would make ALL THE MONEY, and there is no reason (save for maybe the fact that the Wii is terrible) why this hasn’t been made yet. I’m positive it would sell more copies than every Mario or Sonic game made since 2009 combined. Face it, SEGtendo, Sonic in Brawl was okay I guess, and Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games just shouldn’t be a thing, regardless of how mindlessly entertaining the third installment was. Let’s get a real fucking crossover, yeah? Sonic goes blasting through Icecap Zone, only to end up in World 4-1 somehow, while Mario gets shot out of a cannon in Bob-omb Battlefield and lands in Oil Ocean. The story can literally be that simple. Gameplay is obvious, as well as everything else. So I’ll say again; Why in the fuck hasn’t it happened yet?

Are you seriously just going to sit idly by and let this duck bathe in the riches that YOU deserve? For shame, Sega/Nintendo. For shame.

MegaMan Fucking ANYTHING.

Capcom shits all over their MegaMan fans and they don’t even realize how much it’s hurting them. Last year, they cancelled THREE MegaMan games (MegaMan Online, Legends 3, MegaMan Universe). If that isn’t enough proof on it’s own, I don’t know what is. I would have bought any of them. They were all great looking games that would have sold millions each. I don’t know why they were canceled, but whatever reason they may have is bullshit beyond the fact that Inafune left Capcom and now they don’t want anything to do with MegaMan. And to rub salt in the wounds, MegaMan was left out of Marvel vs. Capcom 3 and pretty harshly (yet, still humorously in a ‘grit teeth and chuckle with a fake smile plastered on one’s face’ kind of way) parodied in Street Fighter X Tekken. Oh well, good luck with whatever projects you may have in the future, Capcom, because I’m sure as fuck not going to pay attention to any of them. (Not like I have since MvC2 anyway.)

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Just in case you’ve been stranded on an island for five years with nothing to communicate with beyond a blood-stained volleyball, I’ll bring you up to speed on what I’m talking about here. The American Government has been trying to put a stranglehold on the Internet and many other forms of media by attempting to enact rights-infringing legislation, along with bullying allied nations into enacting similar laws. The largest of these are ACTA, COICA, CISPA, PIPA and SOPA (What the fuck is it with American politics and initialism?), and they could potentially ruin the rest of your basement dwelling lives. I am going to give my structured and well-formed opinions on this issue, and I don’t think it’s going to be quite as cut-and-dry as you think I’m going to make it.

“Why is this a problem? Surely it doesn’t affect me!”

And that’s why it’ll hit you the hardest when it does. This effects everyone residing in Sol III. Do you like making your shitty Naruto AMVs that nobody watches? Do you like writing your Harry Potter slash fiction? (There’s always one.) Do you like frequenting and discussing on forums about things other people have made? Well, enjoy it while it lasts, because all of that is coming to a screeching halt real soon.

Don’t live in America? Don’t think you have any cause to worry? Well, SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER, you absolutely do. American Government is a collection of the most wretched, disgusting subhumans on Earth, and they have been using tactics akin to schoolyard bullying, with a little blackmail for good measure, to get other countries (read: most developed countries) to sign an international treaty called ACTA, or the Anti-Counterfiting Trade Agreement. ACTA, if passed, will usher in an era of worldwide censorship the likes of which nobody outside of Asia has ever seen before.

*Type nothing and click "I'm Feeling Lucky"* "Your search terms produced 0 results."

Artists And Corporations Deserve What You (The Consumer) Think They Deserve.

It’s not the other way around. Take a look around the internet. You’ll notice a lot of negative domains related to corporate entities have been bought by the corporations that they would otherwise target. Sonysucks.com, for example, redirects to Sony Music. I’ll admit that this is a minor gripe for now. Not really a big deal. After all, they have every right to do this, as petty and underhanded as it is. If any of these IP laws pass, however, expect any internet review of products you’ve bought, criticisms of corporations, or any gripes you have with anything related to a corporation to be silenced.

Thanks to CISPA, we'll never see these again.

I take a try before I buy approach to media. Generally, I pirate music and video games to try them out, since the first level of a game or a small 20 second clip of a song just isn’t enough for me. If it’s good, I’ll buy it, because I like having a physical copy of my media. If it’s shit, I obviously won’t buy it, and I’ll probably get rid of the pirated copy. Either way, this method has saved me some serious cash, and I make sure my money goes to deserving parties. I’d much rather just send a check to the artists who deserve it, but unfortunately it doesn’t work that way.

Stop Thinking The Government And Companies Give A Shit About You. (Also, You People Are Fucking Stupid For Thinking So.)

I mean, at this point, anyone who thinks The U.S. Government has a shit giving department for American Citizens is a fucking moron. (Here’s looking at you, Baby Boomer Generation.) It’s only functions are to legislate people into closed-minded submission and to take bribes from corporate lobbyists who want to further the latter so as to make more money. I really wish this statement didn’t sound so tinfoil hat, but it’s true, and it’s been this way since the Industrial Revolution. What The Government DOES care about is money. Look at a huge chunk of congress. Notice anything about them? Prior to becoming politicians, they didn’t lead the lifestyle of the Average Joe. No, most of them were and are owned by corporate entities. CEOs, CFOs, Chairmen, Presidents, high percentage shareholders, et al. Now there’s nothing inherently wrong with having financial success, but the fact that the majority of our politicians are filthy rich, corporate owned shitbags has to stop.

Politicians lie, this is fact. But for some fucked reason, the majority of people STILL have faith in the system. My point is that you fat fucks in your HoverRounds, while you DO realize that politicians are lying cunts, at the same time will believe whatever insipid bullshit that comes out their wordholes, as long as the words “Freedom/Liberty”, “America”, “Terrorist” or “Children” are shoehorned somewhere in their spiel. It’s unbelievable from a third person perspective (my perspective, in this case), really. I just can’t understand why it is that those words will brainwash most Americans, but you fuckers fall for it every time. The dangerously close to being passed “Protecting Children From Internet Pornographers Act (For Freedom, Justice, Liberty and free Motorcycles and Ice Cream for Everyone I guess)” is an excellent supporter of my claim. This bill has absofuckinglutely nothing to do with Child Porn prevention. It’s just an underhanded, sneaky, back alley way to pass IP laws by misleading people into support by tugging at America’s already misguided child safety heartstrings. This legislation is even WORSE than SOPA in that it will make it so everyone’s Internet access is monitored AT ALL TIMES. Yeah, all of that shemale granny tranny shit you’ve been looking at? They’ll fucking know. What’s worse is that if some form of SOPA passes, the media outlets will know what you’re doing, since ISPs will now have every right to sell this information to them, and regardless of whether it’s reasonable or not, they’ll sue you. For a lot of money. And they’ll win. It’s the only way companies like Apple know how to make money anymore, so I don’t think they’re above highwaymanesque robbery of normal people living normal lives.

"Stand and deliver!" "We also provide a protection plan that we'll never honor so this kind of thing doesn't happen again. But you know it totally will."

“Well Fuck, SOPACISPACTAPIPA Passed. Now What?”

Well, if you like things the way they were? Revolt. Protest. If protests don’t work, riot. Gain enough support and fight back. Hard. If you love your freedoms as much as your foodstained XXL “These Colors Don’t Run” T-Shirt implies, get out there and fucking do something.  You’ve got nothing better to do anyway, they took Reddit, for Christ’s sake!

WHERE WILL I GET MY PHILOSOPHICAL VALIDATION NOW?!

And I’m not talking about that pussy-ass KONY2012 hand-in-hand “Social Activism” bullshit that all of you fucking retarded hippies bought into, I mean straight up leave your house (a challenge for most, I know), go to a protest, and wreak havoc. Get angry, get loud, get violent. It’s the only way anyone will hear you. I’m serious. If you think shitsux once they pass the SOPAPIPAs, it’ll only get worse from there. It’s a slippery slope for civil rights, and you’re coated in Vaseline. Do something to fix that.

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This isn’t just for overrated or shitty games, there are some overrated and shitty games in this post, but the main reason for this is to list off some games that just need to stop doing what they’re doing. It could be for various reasons. Rehashing, being boring, lack of originality, other companies putting out a better, superior alternative, or the developer simply has no awareness of the series limping past it’s expiration date. Whatever the reason may be, this is the first in a series of articles that contain games that should no longer be.

Call of Duty: WWII/Modern Warfare

Let’s start of with an easy one. We really, really don’t need another CoD. Ever. It’s been milked to death. Call of Duty has exceeded even Madden levels of mindless rehashing, and it’s so shameless that Activision doesn’t even try to hide it anymore.

"Because fuck you, we know you're going to buy it anyway." -Bobby "Beelzebub" Kotick

Yeah, that's the stuff.

That being said, nobody wants Call of Duty: Trench Warfare. No games based on the Great War, unless it involves old school dogfights against the Red Baron or killing Archduke Ferdinand, please. We don’t need a trenchfoot simulator. Of course none of this will ever happen, since Activision wouldn’t be pandering to their college sophomore dudebro demographic. Activision would be nothing if not for their precious dudebros. And Pitfall Harry.

Sonic Adventure Styled Sonic Games

They were good during the Dreamcast days, but that gameplay formula has aged poorly. Sonic ’06 would be an underhanded, cop-out example, but I’ll use it anyway. Even if the game was totally bug-free, the platforming would be clunky, inaccurate and slow, and attacking enemies would be no different. Heroes is also an excellent, more functional example of this. Not to say Sonic Adventure 1 and 2 are bad, but the gameplay mechanics just don’t work with modern gaming. (Not like modern gaming’s that good to begin with, but still.)

I also don’t want to play as Sonic’s Shitty Friends™ , save for maybe Tails and Knuckles, and I absolutely hate going through the same levels eight fucking times to finish the game. This was the worst part about Adventure 1, 2, and Sonic Heroes. I want to go through the main story ONCE and choose the characters I want to play as for each level. I don’t want to be forced into playing Forgettable the Boringhog in his own separate-campaign-yet-exactly-the-same-as-Sonic’s-with-some-minor-changes. It’s a good thing they’re going with that Unleashed/Colors/Generations gameplay now, because if I swear, if I see that fucking cat one more time…

DURRGH, MY ENTIRE CAMPAIGN WAS BASED ON FINDING A FROG.

Halo

Halo 3 – FINISH THE FIGHT.
Halo 4 – FINISH HARDER.
Halo 5 – START A NEW FIGHT?

I’m not bashing Halo. I actually totally dig the Halo Universe. Hell, I enjoyed every game in the series except the second one. But when you plan to end a series with a tertiary title, do that. I know Bungie sold the rights to the series the series to Microsoft. It makes sense that Microsoft would milk the franchise for all it’s worth, but I actually want to finish the fight eventually. I don’t want Halo 15: Master Chief vs Space Aliens: Spacelectric Boombaloo.

Halo 4 makes sense, since the story really isn’t over, but I’d prefer they wrap it up in a maximum of three more games. I don’t want my grandchildren to FINISH THE FIGHT HARDER AGAIN TOMORROW FOREVER PART 2 TURBO EDITION REV. 3.

"Why are we still playing this?" "I dunno, let's think about it after we get Chief to the laundromat."

Pokemon.

Give it a break please. We only need ONE Pokemon game per handheld generation. Once Pokemon Black and White 2 (not making this up by the way) come out, this will be the THIRD generation of games to come out on the Nintendo DS. Save SOME content for the 3DS, will ya? Now, I fucking LOVE Pokemon. That’s not news, but there is no reason to put out so many Pokemon games per console generation. I was happy with just the one-generation-of-pikamen-per-console-generation. It gave me time for my wallet to recuperate, and it gave Nintendo time to design Pokemon that didn’t look like already existing Pokemon.

BECAUSE THAT NEVER FUCKING GETS OLD OR ANYTHING.

Pokemon is supposed to be an experience that adds something new and dynamic with every new installment, and that shit just doesn’t happen anymore. The last truly excellent Pokemon game I’ve played had to have been Emerald Version. It took all of what made the last games great, and perfected it. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the same feelings for another game in this series again.

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Sonic the Hedgehog is well known for his apparent heroism, but taking a closer look, he’s a bona fide asshole. Now sit right back and you’ll hear a tale about why Sonic is way more evil than Dr. Robotnik himself. Also, I don’t like writing opening paragraphs, so just read the fucking article, okay?

3. Sonic Adventure – Thanks To Sonic And Co.’s Glorious (Possibly Intentional) Ineptitude, Tens Of Thousands Of People Drown.

Sonic exactly isn’t known for his stupidity, but just look at these cutscenes and tell me he doesn’t have an extra chromosome or three:

Watch this video on YouTube.

“Oh no!” Sonic says, helplessly. You have to be shitting me. With all of those powers Sonic apparently has, he must be too retarded to use any. Is it really impossible for him to, say, cut through the claw with a spindash, run, jump and try to wrestle the Emerald from the claw, maybe intercept the gem in midair while Eggman throws it at Chaos, or I dunno, try to do ANYTHING AT ALL?! Nope. He just sits there with some stupid look on his face, while the Doctor gives Chaos more power.

Watch this video on YouTube.

Note how fucking slowly Sonic just walks toward the Chaos Emerald. Isn’t he supposed to be the Fastest Thing Alive or something? You know, I’m starting to think Sonic doesn’t really want the Chaos Emerald. Actually, it’s quite clear that he either must want Eggman to win, or is curious to see what happens to Chaos after this, because he definitely wasn’t putting any effort whatsoever into grabbing that Emerald.

The same shit occurs four more times (not even remotely kidding.), until finally this happens:

Watch this video on YouTube.

Yep. Perfect Chaos drowns Station Square and all its inhabitants. Thanks, Sonic, you’re a real fucking hero.

2. Sonic Archie Comics #54 – Sonic Is Pissed That There Is No Evil On Mobius, So He Turns Into A Colossal Dick.

After Dr. Robotnik was killed in Issue #50, Sonic went on a manic-depressive bender and started treating everyone like shit because he didn’t have someone to beat up anymore.

Pictured: Asshole.

Uncle Chuck and Tails are trying to figure out Sonic’s top speed, and Sonic intentionally breaks the device that attempts to measure his velocity out of sheer assholery.

Time to start getting emotionally distant, Uncle Chuck.

After treating Uncle Chuck and Tails like dogshit, he goes off to find solace in the fact that things are the way they are and–

Wow, that was convenient.

Oh wait, haha. Never mind. A quartet of MacGuffinbots swoop in at the very last second before Sonic can learn a lesson or some faggy shit like that.

1. Sonic Archie Comics #128 – Sonic Convinces A Godlike Entity To Destroy Hundreds Of Planets And Cause The Extinction Of The Indigenous Populations Therein.

(That was a mouthful.)

Alright, so it’s pretty well established that Sonic is a total asshole now, but what tops the list is something he did in the Archie Comics. Read the following snippets of comic scans I put together. To put it all in context, Sonic is in space somehow:

ASTEROIDS!

Seems normal, right? Well next page, Sonic meets some Aliens somehow:

Uh Oh.

And then, as all supergeniuses do, Sonic reveals to the aliens that he is the reason this thing exists, and is also the reason it’s destroying the galaxy.

GG, Sonic.

Fuckin’ smooth, Sonic. Let’s see exactly what kind of collateral damage he’s caused:

Kindly sages? Fuck 'em.

Nice. (Click to Enlarge.)

So, as you can see, Sonic convinced an all-powerful monster to commit wanton supergenocide across the universe. Nice. I hope you’re happy, Sonic, because you caused a mass murder hundreds of thousands of times greater than Eggman is even capable of. Hero of Mobius, but nobody else. Keep it classy, you fucking maniac.

Oh, you think he showed any remorse? Naw, man, that just ain’t his style. He participates and wins an interstellar race  and is just as happy as can be in the following issue.

Continue reading »]]> Alright, let’s get this over with.

Yeah, Sonic Generations, blah, blah, blah, Classic Sonic, blah, blah Modern Sonic, blah, blah, Homing Shot. You should know what this game is by now. If not: The Time MacGuffin steals Sonic’s friends and then he has to go save them, then somehow meets up with himself circa the SEGA Genesis games, so they team up. Yeah, that’s about it. Here’s the review:

Story/Plot/Characters/etc.

Dude, I literally just explained it in the opening paragraph. There is barely any story, which is both good and bad. The good is that we don’t have to listen to Sonic’s Shitty Friends™, and the bad is that I really like the new voice cast and this is the first time in my history of playing Sonic games that I would actually like to hear Sonic and Co. speak. Anyway, I seriously can’t delve further into the story without spoiling the whole thing. It’s that small.

Sonic’s just as awesomely smarmy as he was in Sonic Colors, thanks mostly to Roger Craig Smith doing a fantastic job voicing him. Mike Pollock is also the perfect voice for Dr. Eggman, as always. Kate Higgins is also an adequate Tails. As for the rest of the cast, they’re so unimportant to the plot that I’m not even going to bother with them.

Gameplay

Shit’s good, yo. Both Sonics play very well, but I can’t say Classic Sonic is anywhere near faithful to the original four games, beyond running and jumping. The Spin Attack gains no momentum whatsoever, it’s just a hardcoded roll, then stop eventually. It’s practically useless. The Spindash is both incredibly overpowered and underpowered. The level 1 Spindash moves you exactly three feet (not an exaggeration), level 2 Spindash is practically nonexistent, but it’s what the level 3 should be, and the level 3 shoots you way too fucking fast. I know that Sonic is supposed to be fast, but this is a video game. You honestly can’t expect to control Sonic at his actual running speeds. And before you asstards come around and scream “I THOUGHT IT WAS FINE, GO BACK TO SONIC RETRO, YOU ELITIST FAGGOT!” shut your whore mouth. I know the game inside and out, as well as the originals. Generations’ Classic Sonic is objectively lacking, compared to the Genesis titles. Thing is, I still enjoy playing it. Generations Classic Sonic is different, but not so much so that he’s unplayable, boring, or even inherently bad. A good comparison to make would be Mario’s Physics in Donkey Kong (Generations) compared to his physics in Super Mario Bros. (Sonic 1-S3&K) That is, similar, but something’s missing. At least it’s more accurate than the bag of smashed assholes that is Sonic 4: Episode 1.

Oh yeah, did I mention '90s Sonic can get a fucking Skateboard? That's right. Sonic's taking BADICAL to the XTREME. POGS. DORITOS. PASTELS.

Now as for Modern Sonic, Sonic Team took what made half of Unleashed and all of Colors good and made it great. I really like the direction they’ve been taking Sonic as of recent with this gameplay style. Every subsequent game gets some improvements and tweaks, if only marginal. Baby steps, but progress nonetheless. Modern’s gameplay is definitely an overall improvement from the last two games, but there are some flaws which I will explain later. You can now stop on a dime, instead of sliding to your doom, a la Unleashed. Rainbow Rings and Yellow Launchers now have more purpose, beyond launching you. Oh, and how’s this for a nice touch? You can actually CONTROL Sonic this time. His turning radius is much better at speed. Drifting has also been tightened, and for better or worse, Sonic curls up into a spin while drifting. Unforch, while Sonic Team giveth, they also taketh away. The stomp, while improved in some aspects, is far inferior to how it worked in Sonic Unleashed. You can no longer stomp directly into a slide like you could in the previous installments, which is a massive letdown. You stop dead, unless you’re on a slope. It didn’t have to be so black and white like that. They could have had it so that holding a directional button while stomping would have it work like it did in Unleashed, and stomping while pressing nothing would stop you dead. It’s exactly that simple. That’s really the only major problem, though. Now as some of you know, I’m trying to fix all of the gameplay issues this game has, so check that out if you have the PC version. It’ll probably make the game a lot better for you, provided you share the same complaints as me. One last thing. Speed boosters fucking suck. Stop using them, Sonic Team/Dimps. They ruin the flow and openness of the levels. My already plugged mod gets rid of them.

All around, the gameplay is solid, yet imperfect, almost completely bug-free and worth many hours of your time.

Graphics

While not the best looking game in the series, (Sonic Unleashed still holds this title) it’s damn close. The Global Illumination Ambiance is of lower quality than Unleashed, but it’s still crisp as all get out. Modern Sonic’s ingame model has significantly improved since Unleashed though, and Classic Sonic looks exactly as awesome as he should. I really have no complaints whatsoever about the graphics. Each Stage was reimagined perfectly. (Sonic Retro, while they are awesome most of the time, they complain about the most menial bullshit. “Sky Sanctuary isn’t yellow enough!” Fuck you.)

All of those machines in the back there are fully animated. It's a little extra that I didn't notice until I took this screenshot.

The Animations in the game are absolutely flawless, the environments and atmosphere as well. Overall, a great re-creation of the classics. I heard there were framerate issues on the PS3 version, but I got the game for Master Race, so I don’t have do deal with the limits of 7 year old consoles.

Sound/Music

As you all should know, the entire soundtrack is a collection of remixes. There isn’t anything totally new here, save for Time MacGuffin’s Theme, which isn’t all that great.

That said, the remixes are amazing. They leave almost no stone unturned. From Knuckles Chaotix to Sonic Spinball, they cover more or less every game that wasn’t on SEGA Master System or Game Gear (which is pretty disappointing). There’s a seven minute long Big Band Jazz version of Casino Night, a House remix of Speed Highway, a smooth Celtic version of Door Into Summer, et al. You name it, it’s probably remixed or available in the game. The only complaint is that the Toxic Caves remix was lacking, but it was just an extra song, so I’m not going to get butthurt about it.

There is a lot of Ambiance and life in the environment. Birds chirping, people making nondescript people noises, the rather common Pendulum Guillotines of Europe slashing away at you, etc. It’s quite lovely.

Final Thoughts Zone Act 3

Definitely Buy it for PC. I’m not going to give you some Number-out-of-Number or X-Amount-of-Symbols review here. I don’t do that. My verdicts are either buy it, rent it, or forget about it in my reviews. In this case, it’s worth buying, hands down. It’s worth every penny, and I highly doubt you’ll be disappointed. The game’s fuckin’ swish.

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Personally, I’m totally for the legalization of marijuana for recreational use. Other than smoke inhalation, there really aren’t any health risks, and it isn’t like PCP where you viciously murder people and rape their entrails without knowing. All it makes you is happy, hungry, content with boredom and a little tired. There have been centuries of extensive research, and that’s all they could find. What’s so bad about that? Sounds like me while sober anyway. Well, hate to rain on your parade, but here are the main reasons why you’re never going to find a reefer vending machine in your lifetime:

3. Rap and The Accompanying Culture

Put down your pitchforks, gentlemen. There is a huge reason why this is here. THE GOD DAMN COLOREDS. But seriously, the rap culture is already universally hated by government entities for being about murdering middle class honkies and raping honky women. It’s a subculture that everyone in power hates. You think Biggie Smalls or NWA are going to help the “green movement”? Probably not.

FUCK THAT SHIT 'CAUSE I AIN'T THE ONE

It’s bad enough that the lyrics go on nonstop about smoking and acquiring weed, but also getting into gunfights over it. This paints a bad picture in everyone’s eyes. Now take note that a lot of rappers HAVEN’T really gotten into gunfights and are actually just retarded faggots who thought they were raised in a crime-ridden neighborhood, but most people believe what they rap about, and therein lies the problem. The violent nature of gangster rap has and will always be one of the scapegoats Congressman Dick Assclown will use.

2. The Baby Boomer Generation ( A.K.A: Most Cops, Lobbyists and Politicians. Also Probably Your Parents.)

Let’s face it, most old people suck, but in this case, it isn’t entirely their fault. They were raised in a really fucking scary time. The Cold War Era was a time where everyone was afraid of everything, and the government could easily get away with saying anything and everything could kill you. Their minds were drilled with the notion that marijuana will kill you after one puff, or you will be hooked after your first spliff (if you survive your first hit), and most of the stuff they were taught was complete and utter bullshit. Some of that intentionally misinformed propaganda still exists today, but now the internet exists, so ‘educational’ video publishers have to be less deceptive about it, so as to not anger a metric fuckton of Snopes.com patrons.

While anti-drug propaganda are far less aggressive than they were in the 1960′s through the 1980′s, it’s still being made by the Baby Boomer Generation. And they were shown Reefer Madness, so they are still scared shitless of the evil marihuanas and want to “protect the children” as much as they can. So until they die off, you’re not going to see weed in a Speedway or 7-Eleven.

It’s a shame too, because I would totally not mind a sesh with grandpa.

1. You.

Yes, You. If you are reading this, you are likely somewhere on the spectrum of casual smoker to stoner, yeah? That’s what I thought. Look, the more you keep lazily blathering on about “Legalize it, man” while violently fisting a bag of Doritos in front of a TV playing a Weeds marathon, the more the suits and the general public think weed will turn everyone into lazy, stupid, hippies.

“How do I rectify this situation, one who has all of the answers?” is a question you may ask. Well, it’s simple, really: Shut the fuck up and go do something. Health risks are only half of the reason people think Marijuana is bad. The other half is people thinking it will make the world unproductive. So get up off your couch, do some dishes, take a walk, just do SOMETHING. Be responsible, cut off those stupid fucking dreads, get a job, et al. The more ents who lead productive lives, the more socially acceptable everyone’s favorite flower becomes, so get to it.

Continue reading »]]> Ahoy there! Today I am going to delve into why I’m a cynical asshole. You lucky dog, you. You have the privilege of learning about the certain things that rustle my jimmies, such as:

Female Comedians Who Are Not Kathleen Madigan.

You sir! Yes, you. Are you a fan of post-menopausal women who make jokes about their vaginal cavity, period jokes, talking about how much of a bitch they can be and wisecracks about childbearing? You say you don’t because you don’t understand any of that shit or think it’s funny? Well congratulations, you are either a man, prepubescent girl or a woman who has no understanding of what comedy is.

Kathy Griffin is not only an unfunny cunt, but she also looks like a middle-aged crossdresser. I am not wrong.

Kathleen Madigan is what a lot of male comedians are. That is, funny. She doesn’t talk about her cooter, she doesn’t talk about how men are sex-crazed idiots, she doesn’t joke about vaginal fluids. She understands what makes both men and women laugh. Sure, she has a couple bits about hooking up with some dude, but guess what? It’s totally fine. It’s still something that is valid and relate-able to both sexes. Generally, male comedians don’t always assign gender to their jokes, which is why they are more numerous. They appeal to a broader demographic than the recently divorced, bi-curious suburban mother in her 40s.  Look, female comedians. I don’t hate you all, but if your act contains nothing but stories about denying sex to your man, that one awkward trip to the OB/GYN Clinic, or just being an all around bitch, then fuck you.

Gay People Who Don’t Shut The Fuck Up About It.

You’re here. You’re queer. I’m already used to it, so shut the fuck up before I punch the fabulous out of you. Homos, I find nothing wrong with you liking dudes/chicks (not like you need some internet stranger’s validation anyway), but if you can’t just be happy with your significant other without your annoying as fuck flag waving, then kindly go fall into a ditch and die.

Please kill yourself so many times.

Straight People Who Don’t Shut The Fuck Up About It.

Yeah, I get it broski. When you say “no homo”, you really mean you suck dicks but don’t want anyone else to think less of you. I understand completely. Now go pound some Miller Lites, take a few bong hits and go fantasize about that pink Hollister polo wearing beefcake over there. Seriously though, are you that uncomfortable with your sexuality that you have to constantly reassure yourself and your peers that you are straight? Sounds a bit suspicious if you ask me. Whatever, dudebro. I don’t judge (openly).

THE PINNACLE OF HETEROSEXUALITY YO.

Ya fuckin’ doucher.

People Who Think Peaceful Protests Acutally Do Jack-Shit Outside Of Some Isolated Cases.

Yeah, stereotypical college liberal, Mohandas Ghandi did some really neat shit by not resorting to violence to solve his problems. Just know that 99% of the time, shit doesn’t happen that smoothly. The reason people talk about his life is because it was truly amazing that anything came from not punching his country’s captors in their limey faces.  This is what’s known in the real world as a miracle. Miracles do not happen like they do in Disney Movies, so stop trying to be so passive about shit, man the fuck up and do something about your problems.

Wal-Mart Greeters.

This one’s probably just me, but what the fuck do they even do? I mean, I can understand the virtue of giving that nice old WWII Vet a job when he is clearly incapable of doing literally anything else, but it’s kinda disturbing actually. “Welcome to Wal-Mart, I’m dead inside!” Truth be told, this isn’t the aspect about it that compelled me to list it. The reason, I suppose, is the eerie fact that this is what Wal-Mart’s top corporate big shots think lulls shoppers into a false sense of community. Really? A kindly old lady in a blue vest and a yellow smiley-face button is supposed to make me feel like Wal-Mart is more than just a warehouse where I buy a bunch of shit and then go home? I’m totally serious, Wal-Mart Greeters creep me the fuck out.

People Who Think It’s Okay To Be Fat.

It really, really isn’t. Please lose weight. You are a strain on my eyes and an embarassment to this entire country. Get out of that fucking Hoveround, stop eating at McDonald’s, and start doing some fucking sit-ups, or failing that, just kinda jiggle and flail a bit. It provides entertainment for the non-fatties, and it burns calories. I swear, I can find a solution to any problem. What’s worse are the fuckers who think glandular problems are holding them back. This is what almost all fatasses use as an excuse. Just because you think you have an undiagnosed problem, doesn’t mean it’ll kill you to go near a treadmill.

While terrible, I can't say I have sympathy.

Don’t even get me started on childhood obesity. There is NO excuse for that shit.

Old, Senile People Who Still Think It’s Okay To Drive.

As a Florida Resident, these folks scare the shit out of me. There is no stereotype for old drivers in Florida, only truths. They DO drive on the wrong side of the road. They do regularly kill Motorcyclists. They DO crash into structures that aren’t even remotely close to the road. They DO close their eyes when crossing an intersection out of the sheer terror that resulted in them doing such a risky action. They ARE a menace, and they shouldn’t be allowed to drive. My end all-be all solution to this problem? Simple: Make them retake a driving exam, free of charge starting at age 65 or 70. Is that really such a bad thing? I mean, shit, that’s probably the most feasible idea I’ve had in this entire article.

Where did you put the hand crank, dearie? I have to go to the Nickel and Dime store so I can buy some asbestos for my son's smallpox.

Suburban Parents Who Don’t Remember Being A Child.

First of all, fuck all of you. Your parent/faculty meetings ruined my Public Schooling experience more than the shitty aspergian brats I had to deal with. Why don’t you teach your own fucking kids about sex? Why don’t you tell them the truth about drugs, instead of having some bored and cynical Science Teacher dig out a Cold War-era slideshow about how “Marihuana” (a.k.a. Pot or Grass as idiots think it’s called on the street instead of, you know, Marijuana or Weed.) kills 10 million people every seven minutes? Why don’t you let your kids buy the occasional soda to have with their school lunch? Why do you think sheltering your kids instead of letting them experience life is a good thing?

If you can’t remember what it’s like to be the same age as your children, you shouldn’t be a parent. Do the right thing and surrender your children to an adoption agency immediately. You probably had sex in your teen years. You probably smoked your first joint in the school parking lot. Hell, you probably did WORSE shit than your kids are doing. Let them live life before they have to pay taxes and work until they die. You can’t keep them from having sex. You’re simply making it harder for them to function in the real world.

People Who Still Talk About 9/11.

Eleven fucking years. An entire decade and change has gone by, and people are still talking about an event that doesn’t even come remotely close to the magnitude of all other disasters in more recent history that haven’t attained as much publicity. Some asshole towelheads demolished two and a half important buildings and killed a few thousand people. That’s pretty damn terrible, but get the fuck over it. Singing God Bless America and only buying domestic isn’t going to bring those people back. Thanks to all of the hysteria 9/11 caused, I can’t travel long distances without getting my ballsack groped and asshole fingered by some dopey looking TSA Agent with a staggeringly pathetic false sense of making a difference. Here’s a nice statistic for you: Since the TSA’s inception in 2002, NOT ONE SINGLE HOMELAND TERRORIST THREAT HAS BEEN INTERCEPTED, STOPPED, OR CARRIED OUT. Guess who’s at fault for that huge waste of time and taxpayer money? 9/11 obsessed, wolf crying assholes like you. Stop talking about 9/11 so I can get on an airplane without being sexually harassed.

These colors don't run.

Occupy Wall Street Protestors Who Ask For Handouts.

You are giving that entire movement an even worse image by being a fucking bum. OWS’s projected goal isn’t so you can get paid to not work. The protests are to call out the assholes who are buying out senate seats, corrupting the economy, and getting away with fiscal murder. If you don’t want to work for a living, please find a nice bridge or cardboard box to live in and die slowly and painfully of dysentery, please.

People Who Care About/Mention The “Latest Celeb Gossip”

People who care about celebrity drama are a cancer to society and honestly should be disposed of en masse. End of. I don’t give a fuck about Whitney Houston, Lindsay Lohan or Cher, and neither should you. Fuck off and die.

People Who Think Of Politics As “Celeb Gossip”

You fuckers are even worse than the assholes above. You are single-handedly causing the wrong people to get elected. “But Bill Clinton smoked weed in college!”, you say. Well, happity schlappity doo! It’s not like you didn’t, you hypocritical subhuman! “But-” No. No “buts”. Everybody makes mistakes. You can’t expect politicians to have a clean slate of morality. If anything, I’d vote for the people who fucked up in life (provided they show that they have legitimately learned form their mistakes), because it shows that they have had some real world experience. That is quality I can appreciate.

People Who Call Android OS Phones “The Droid”

No, you stupid bitch, my phone is not “The Droid” It is an HTC Ace. Sure, it uses ANDROID OS, but it is not a “The Droid”. Droid is a mediocre line of Verizon phones mostly made by Motorola. They are decently crafted, but poorly enginered. They also run Android OS, but Verizon packs in so many proprietary apps and themes that you can’t remove into those phones that you really can’t tell what OS it uses. The Droid line is the third worst Android phone line only to whatever LG and The Grorius People’s Repubric of China happen to shit out as their entry-level smartphones.

*PHEW*, now I can finally publish this.

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NOTE TO NEWCOMERS: This article was written before Sonic Generations came out. Some, but not all of the issues I have stated have been fixed since.

You’ve probably seen a million blogs with an article like this. What makes mine different? Well for starters, I actually like the Sonic Unleashed/Sonic Colors/Sonic Generations Modern Gameplay format. And while Colors received almost universal praise, it still isn’t even close to the gameplay Sonic should be known for. The games are pretty great. Music is fantastic, the environments are unforgettable, but the gameplay is lacking, and here’s what’s needed to fix it.

3. Mr. Iizuka Must Learn That Sonic Is Not Mario

What I am talking about can be summed up  in the following quote from Takashi Iizuka:

“From a general game design perspective, in recent years we’ve been able to introduce Sonic to new fans, a lot of the Nintendo/Mario fans, and because of that, we’ve made changes to the design, and we’ve designed things in Sonic Colours that we think will really appeal to people who are unfamiliar with the Sonic brand and the Sonic gameplay. So from that perspective we hope that fans of Mario will really be able to enjoy playing as Sonic in Sonic Colours.”

TL;DR: This means that the reason 2D Sonic Unleashed/Colours/Modern Generations sections -according to Iizuka- are not even close to Classic Sonic gameplay is because he wants the games to play like Mario. It’s nice that more Mario fans are starting to pick up Sonic games, but you don’t change a tried and true formula to imitate the competition. Classic Sonic Style 2D would more than suffice.

Pictured: Sonic the Hedgehog.

And it isn’t like the 2D Sonic sections are bad by any means, but the fact that they are trying to make the game more like Mario with a turbo button is heartbreaking. Not only is that lazy, but it disappoints the already existing fans of the series. It would be like Epic making the next Unreal Tournament game with regenerative health and a two weapon limit because that’s the way it is in Halo and Call of Duty.

Come to think of it, that does sound vaguely familiar.

The Classic half of Sonic Generations is proof that classic gameplay is not only totally feasible with 3D graphics but also way more fun. Why imitate the competition when you have something better staring you right in the fucking eyes? You guys coded it, you might as well keep using it. Waste not, want not, right?

2. Sonic Does Not Need Boosting Or Dash Panels At All

Sonic is fast. We get it.

Sonic is this fast.

The worst part about Sonic playing this fast is that it’s kind of like trying to play a movie. There’s very little interaction required, save for holding X, Right, and jumping a couple times. Dash Panels are the biggest offender to the shallowness of Sonic Unleashed’s gameplay. There’s at least 4 Dash Pads on every already scripted loop, there’s usually one before and/or after every checkpoint marker, not to mention the metric fuckton of the ones strewn around the level with absolutely no purpose whatsoever.

I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want Sonic to revolve around QTEs, scripted events, and drifting. Sonic’s range of speed from the Genesis games up until Sonic Heroes was perfect. There really isn’t any reason to have boosting, and Sonic controls very well in Generations when not holding X/Square/B. Adding Need For Speed blur effects and making the game too fast to comprehend does not make the game more fun. Also, if Sonic Team really, really wants boosting, at least make it harder to get, so there is at least a little bit of a challenge here. In Sonic Unleashed, you are “rewarded” with a little bit added to your boost gauge for every ring you pick up, and it takes only about 20 or so to completely fill it. For reference, in Rooftop Run Act 1, you can get upwards of 500 Rings. ‘Speed as a reward’, huh? Not so much.

1. 3D Sections Need To Be Way More Open (And Less Boring)

If any of you have played the first 30 seconds of Sonic Unleashed, you’ll come to notice the absolute worst problem of the this game format: You are almost always running through a corridor, and when you aren’t, there isn’t much to do.

This shit gets pretty boring after the first 30 or so minutes.

Now I know of at least two reasons why Sonic Team limited Sonic’s 3D sections to a corridor: You BOOSTBOOSTBOOST way too fast, and thus have no time to react in an open world, and when at top speed, Sonic has a turning radius comparable to that of a 1996 Chevrolet Tahoe. (See: #2 for how this can be fixed.) The 3D sections are almost always platformless, contain bottomless pits every so often, and have tons of grind rails. This does not a very interactive game make.

Running down a hallway, waiting to get to a 2D section in order to have some fun is pretty damn boring. Fortunately, Sonic Generations does have more open areas, you just have to get out of Green Hill Zone to get to them. City Escape is pretty open and fun looking, same for Spagonia, but they still don’t have much to them in the way of exploration, it seems. To me, it looks like they took Sonic Adventure, took all of what made it fun, and replaced that with the Boost Gauge.

My idea of rectifying this boringness is simple:

Pictured: Probably more fun than 3D Sonic Unleashed.

What we are looking at here is a top-down view of a well structured level. We have multiple pathways, exploration, secrets, plenty of room for replayability and above all, fun. No corridors, no QTEs, no cop out mechanics that synthesize fun poorly. It’s pretty much a 2D/3D hybrid Sonic Adventure. There is nothing wrong with that.

Just imagine Sonic Unleashed, if there was nowhere you could see that couldn’t reach and this was the atmosphere:

English Countryside, motherfucker.

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If you have ever bought a car, you know that a huge selling point is what a car looks like. Most car designers try their hardest to make a car that is easy on the eyes, while at the same time, practical. These are not those. Hide your kids, hide your wife and put on some protective eyewear, because you’re about to see some shameful shit.

5. Porsche AG

“Porsche?! What the fuck, man? They are badass vehicles!” Well, sure. I’m not one to deny this. Porsches are fast, look pretty fucking awesome, and just scream “I have money to spend on a car, you should totally have sex with me”. That’s nice and all, but gather ’round, because I have some explaining to do.

In 1937, Ferdinand Porsche made the Volkswagen Beetle for Adolf Hitler to have an affordable car for the German People. Ten years later, his son Ferry Porsche formed Porsche AG, took the design of the Beetle and squished it to make the Porsche 356. Over the years, he further mangled it until it turned into the Porsche 911.

To this day, the most drastic change in Porsche’s cars was between the 356 and 911.

Such a profound contrast! It's simply astounding!

What’s that? You say they made an SUV called the Cayenne? Yeah, well, it’s a 911 with a lift kit and four doors.

Carerra GT? Porsche 911. Cayman? 911. Porsche 912? It’s a 911. Boxster?  It’s a god damn fucking 911.

Ferry Porsche set the fucking bar for unoriginality. Not only does every one of his cars look the same, but they also were based off his father’s car, you know, a car he didn’t even design.

"Gee whiz, dad! That's a fantastic looking car! Mind if I take it to the drawing room for about fifteen minutes?" -Ferry Porsche

That being said, they aren’t bad looking cars by any means, truth be told. Just completely unoriginal.

4. Pontiac Post-DeLorean

Say what you want about John DeLorean’s sketchy criminal history, but you can’t deny the greatness of the cars he designed. When you hear the name, you immediately think of the car Marty McFly drives in Back to the Future, and that’s totally okay. That’s his claim to fame. There have been a bunch of far more famous cars that he designed, however.

Ever heard of a car called the Pontiac Firebird? Yeah, DeLorean made that. Pontiac Grand Prix? DeLorean designed it too. GTO? Also DeLorean.

Yeah, that's right. DeLorean made a car badass enough for the motherfucking Hoff.

Unfortunately, in 1981, trying to get money to fuel his own car company (pun not intended), he got arrested for drug trafficking. This little event marked the last time Pontiac ever made a good looking car on their own.

The biggest offenders are the Pontiac LeMans and generations 4-7 of the Pontiac Grand Prix.

The original Grand Prix, while not one of my personal favourite cars, was undeniably much better looking than what Pontiac tried to pass as one in the ninties.

Question 16: Which one of these cars will get you laid? If you answered "The red one", then congratulations, you have eyes.

The Pontiac LeMans/Tempest, up until it’s last two generations, was a great looking muscle car. It was fast, sounded awesome and was pretty much one of the most badass things on American roads at the time. Oh how the mighty have fallen. It’s really sad when you see what was once a large, angry, beastly machine get turned over to South Korean automaker Daewoo for it’s last run in 1988. What would once get you more pussy than the ASPCA in 1965 is now vagina repellent in all it’s subcompact glory.

The South Koreans should go back to doing what they know-- farming gold on Runescape and being better than everyone else at Starcraft.

3. Post-Cold War Cadillac

Once upon a time, there was a car company that made quality luxury cars.

Cadillac now means the world to inner city folk who’s ideal way of making money is complaining about their childhood to a beat. In a way, modern Cadillacs share a unique feature to the demographic who wants them the most — they both look exactly the same as their peers from a distance. Modern Caddy is on here for the same reason as Porsche in that neither company knows the meaning of originality. The only difference is that Porsche can make decent cars.

Now don’t get me wrong, not all Cadillacs are bad. The CTS-V is a great example, but this article is about cars that look shitty, not completely terrible cars. The CTS-V looks like ass, but it doesn’t perform like ass.

Now I don’t know why this happened after the Cold War specifically, but how is it that we get cool “I’m-going-to-fuck-you-up” cars like the Fleetwood and Series Sixty…

Not pictured: The owners of these cars getting laid during the taking of these photos.

…and somehow end up with offensively awful looking cars like the Escalade and 1993 DeVille?

Not pictured: Overweight motherfucker in the driver's seat fingering his bellybutton.

The DeVille speaks for itself, but I really need to know something about the Escalade. What the fuck is it’s purpose? The DeVille takes you from point A to point B. It’s a car. The Escalade, on the other hand is a Luxury SUV. Wait, what? Luxury and Sport Utility Vehicle mix just about as well as oil and water. Luxury cars are supposed to show people that you are a rich douchebag. SUVs are supposed to be able to go off road when necessary. Can you honestly see someone who spent $74,000 on a luxury vehicle drive it through farmland? Not only that, but is the Escalade in question even capable of driving through farmland? It’s just about as practical as porn for blind people.

"...she let out a deep sigh after he slowly caressed her--" Wait, am I supposed to be aroused? I've never even seen what titties look like.

2. Literally Every Single Car Company With A Radiator Grille Gimmick.

Okay, so you are a car company that wants everyone to know that you made a certain car, and that’s totally cool. You want your brand to have some recognition, and that’s respectable. But that’s what the fucking hood badge is for. You don’t go modelling every last one of your car’s radiator grilles to match your entire line. That’s just irresponsibly bland.

The most annoying ones are Dodge:

And BMW:

I don’t think I need to further explain myself here. You get my point. Is that lazy? I dunno, why the fuck do you care?

1. Saturn. Every Last One.

“But Lobotomy,”, You’ll say, “Saturns are cars for the average working man. They are ugly because they are inexpensive! You have no right to bash these cars!”

But that’s where you’re dead wrong.

You see, the MSRP for a 1991 Saturn SL (Saturn’s basic People’s Car) was $8000. You are spending 8 Gs on the ugliest vehicle on four wheels with 85bhp that is guaranteed not to retain any of it’s value. You can save $1000 and buy yourself a nice, slightly more attractive, reliable, high MPG Honda Civic of the same year.

Kids, if a car is cheap, that doesn’t mean it has to be ugly. And holy shit, are Saturns ugly. The headlights are too close together, they tried too hard to look streamlined, the paint looked like it came from a rattle can and faded within 5 years, the rims were fake, and oh boy, is there anything sexier than grey plastic bumpers? I didn’t fucking think so.

They see me rollin', they hatin'...

Imagine if you will, being eight years old again and watching Timmy G. down the street get this badass lime-green Big Wheel for his birthday, chrome trimmed wheels and all. Clearly jealous, you rush to your mom, barely coherent from drunkenly hugging men in that funny way last night to put Easy Mac on the table, absolutely begging her for a rideable toy for your birthday. Months later, she sighs, takes a hit from her crackpipe and takes a drive a few blocks away, picks up a garage sale Little Tikes Cozy Coupe that you can’t even fit in for the price of an ‘old fashioned’ in the seller’s shed, wraps it in construction paper and duct tape, yells “holyshithappynewyear, son”, then passes out on the couch. This would be the same feeling you would get from buying a Saturn over, oh, I don’t know, any car within the same price range.

Timmy G. wouldn't let you hear the fucking end of it.

Their only half-decent looking car was the Saturn Sky, which was intended to be their Pontiac Solstice with a Saturn Badge Deus Ex Machina. Needless to say, they sold a couple hundred, then went down faster than a four year old in a men’s locker room. Good fucking riddance.