The Shortbus Garden

Alright, let’s get this over with.

Yeah, Sonic Generations, blah, blah, blah, Classic Sonic, blah, blah Modern Sonic, blah, blah, Homing Shot. You should know what this game is by now. If not: The Time MacGuffin steals Sonic’s friends and then he has to go save them, then somehow meets up with himself circa the SEGA Genesis games, so they team up. Yeah, that’s about it. Here’s the review:

Story/Plot/Characters/etc.

Dude, I literally just explained it in the opening paragraph. There is barely any story, which is both good and bad. The good is that we don’t have to listen to Sonic’s Shitty Friends™, and the bad is that I really like the new voice cast and this is the first time in my history of playing Sonic games that I would actually like to hear Sonic and Co. speak. Anyway, I seriously can’t delve further into the story without spoiling the whole thing. It’s that small.

Sonic’s just as awesomely smarmy as he was in Sonic Colors, thanks mostly to Roger Craig Smith doing a fantastic job voicing him. Mike Pollock is also the perfect voice for Dr. Eggman, as always. Kate Higgins is also an adequate Tails. As for the rest of the cast, they’re so unimportant to the plot that I’m not even going to bother with them.

Gameplay

Shit’s good, yo. Both Sonics play very well, but I can’t say Classic Sonic is anywhere near faithful to the original four games, beyond running and jumping. The Spin Attack gains no momentum whatsoever, it’s just a hardcoded roll, then stop eventually. It’s practically useless. The Spindash is both incredibly overpowered and underpowered. The level 1 Spindash moves you exactly three feet (not an exaggeration), level 2 Spindash is practically nonexistent, but it’s what the level 3 should be, and the level 3 shoots you way too fucking fast. I know that Sonic is supposed to be fast, but this is a video game. You honestly can’t expect to control Sonic at his actual running speeds. And before you asstards come around and scream “I THOUGHT IT WAS FINE, GO BACK TO SONIC RETRO, YOU ELITIST FAGGOT!” shut your whore mouth. I know the game inside and out, as well as the originals. Generations’ Classic Sonic is objectively lacking, compared to the Genesis titles. Thing is, I still enjoy playing it. Generations Classic Sonic is different, but not so much so that he’s unplayable, boring, or even inherently bad. A good comparison to make would be Mario’s Physics in Donkey Kong (Generations) compared to his physics in Super Mario Bros. (Sonic 1-S3&K) That is, similar, but something’s missing. At least it’s more accurate than the bag of smashed assholes that is Sonic 4: Episode 1.

Oh yeah, did I mention '90s Sonic can get a fucking Skateboard? That's right. Sonic's taking BADICAL to the XTREME. POGS. DORITOS. PASTELS.

Now as for Modern Sonic, Sonic Team took what made half of Unleashed and all of Colors good and made it great. I really like the direction they’ve been taking Sonic as of recent with this gameplay style. Every subsequent game gets some improvements and tweaks, if only marginal. Baby steps, but progress nonetheless. Modern’s gameplay is definitely an overall improvement from the last two games, but there are some flaws which I will explain later. You can now stop on a dime, instead of sliding to your doom, a la Unleashed. Rainbow Rings and Yellow Launchers now have more purpose, beyond launching you. Oh, and how’s this for a nice touch? You can actually CONTROL Sonic this time. His turning radius is much better at speed. Drifting has also been tightened, and for better or worse, Sonic curls up into a spin while drifting. Unforch, while Sonic Team giveth, they also taketh away. The stomp, while improved in some aspects, is far inferior to how it worked in Sonic Unleashed. You can no longer stomp directly into a slide like you could in the previous installments, which is a massive letdown. You stop dead, unless you’re on a slope. It didn’t have to be so black and white like that. They could have had it so that holding a directional button while stomping would have it work like it did in Unleashed, and stomping while pressing nothing would stop you dead. It’s exactly that simple. That’s really the only major problem, though. Now as some of you know, I’m trying to fix all of the gameplay issues this game has, so check that out if you have the PC version. It’ll probably make the game a lot better for you, provided you share the same complaints as me. One last thing. Speed boosters fucking suck. Stop using them, Sonic Team/Dimps. They ruin the flow and openness of the levels. My already plugged mod gets rid of them.

All around, the gameplay is solid, yet imperfect, almost completely bug-free and worth many hours of your time.

Graphics

While not the best looking game in the series, (Sonic Unleashed still holds this title) it’s damn close. The Global Illumination Ambiance is of lower quality than Unleashed, but it’s still crisp as all get out. Modern Sonic’s ingame model has significantly improved since Unleashed though, and Classic Sonic looks exactly as awesome as he should. I really have no complaints whatsoever about the graphics. Each Stage was reimagined perfectly. (Sonic Retro, while they are awesome most of the time, they complain about the most menial bullshit. “Sky Sanctuary isn’t yellow enough!” Fuck you.)

All of those machines in the back there are fully animated. It's a little extra that I didn't notice until I took this screenshot.

The Animations in the game are absolutely flawless, the environments and atmosphere as well. Overall, a great re-creation of the classics. I heard there were framerate issues on the PS3 version, but I got the game for Master Race, so I don’t have do deal with the limits of 7 year old consoles.

Sound/Music

As you all should know, the entire soundtrack is a collection of remixes. There isn’t anything totally new here, save for Time MacGuffin’s Theme, which isn’t all that great.

That said, the remixes are amazing. They leave almost no stone unturned. From Knuckles Chaotix to Sonic Spinball, they cover more or less every game that wasn’t on SEGA Master System or Game Gear (which is pretty disappointing). There’s a seven minute long Big Band Jazz version of Casino Night, a House remix of Speed Highway, a smooth Celtic version of Door Into Summer, et al. You name it, it’s probably remixed or available in the game. The only complaint is that the Toxic Caves remix was lacking, but it was just an extra song, so I’m not going to get butthurt about it.

There is a lot of Ambiance and life in the environment. Birds chirping, people making nondescript people noises, the rather common Pendulum Guillotines of Europe slashing away at you, etc. It’s quite lovely.

Final Thoughts Zone Act 3

Definitely Buy it for PC. I’m not going to give you some Number-out-of-Number or X-Amount-of-Symbols review here. I don’t do that. My verdicts are either buy it, rent it, or forget about it in my reviews. In this case, it’s worth buying, hands down. It’s worth every penny, and I highly doubt you’ll be disappointed. The game’s fuckin’ swish.